The Ripped Soul

i'm really really not ready for anything more with him.
and i spoke to him today about it, even with explaining.
it really amazes me.
how he gets it.
how he isn't throwing a fit.
because what's stopping me from giving myself completely to him is you.
you who i gave myself completely to.
every part of me.
i was there for you.
and you may think that's not the case anymore right?
that i don't love you anymore?
you know what?
they're your thoughts, it's a free world.
think whatever you want.
because break-ups aren't ever clean.
and there's always gonna be that 'bad guy.'
in this case, i suppose i'm it right?
no matter what i say.
no matter how i plead my case.
it's always gonna be me leaving you, to you.
what about the times i needed you?
ever thought of that?
yes, i was strong.
i am strong.
i took your burdens away, or at least, i shared the weight with you.
despite all the weight on my shoulders.
despite my grades dropping, my mom not working, school, church, work, and considering the shit that happened at work. all that shit. remember? that night? when you cried in my arms, though i was fuming on the inside and just wanted to kick someone's ass.
i stayed strong when you needed me.
yes, i never spoke about it.
not once.
i didn't mention it.
but, you know how bad i am with that.
you knew i never felt.
i never loved the way i loved you.
i never loved until you.
still, i'm the cold heartless one right?
the one who left you.
shit, if i didn't still care, would i have called you tonight?
or anytime at all since the break-up.
if i still didn't love you, would i?
you probably think i broke every promise i ever made.
i said i'd always love you, and here's me saying i do.
i said i'd always be here, and God knows i am.

who left who now?
you've deleted me off facebook again.
you probably blocked me on msn, cause i don't see you on, EVER.
hah.
tell me this, if you don't cross my mind at all, why is it that whenever i come online, i look for you first?
why do i still?

oh, so then it's gonna be, "if you love me, be with me right?"
this is where you never seem to understand.
i can't.
i cannot.
as much as i want to.
and i hate myself for that.
because i really really want that future we planned.
seth, sarah, yes?
but i had to choose between the two, you or mom.
and, i had rather killed myself.
remember that night?
when i really wanted to?
and you talked me out of it?
remember?
why did i want to do it?
well, you may be living with lonesomeness, hurt, pain, anger, and shit from family and work.
want to know what i live with jess?
knowing that i had to let go that one person i've ever really loved go.
hating myself for that i did.
hating myself for all the promises i made and cannot keep, because they involve the future.
hating myself for all the pain i cause/caused you.
hating myself for hurting your mom too.
hating myself for letting you down.
and the list goes on an on.
because mom still can't work.
drama started in church.
and i hate it.
i fucking hate it.
and still, i put a smile on my face.
because on the inside i'm thinking, "i'll make this easier for her that way."
"if i show her that i've moved on, maybe she will too, in time."
"if i make her hate me, it'll be easier for her."
all the fucking time, i think about how i can make this easier for you.
because i hate myself for everything i did.

oh oh oh, and you prolly crossed me off your list again cause i'm with dom now?
i love you, and i always will.
but with everything i've got inside, don't i at least get a chance at being happy?
i may have moved on.
but a part of me's still with you.
a very big part.

so that's why i'm not ready.
his lips on my skin, and my mind wonders on the nights you were here.
if you think at all this is easy for me, then fuck you jess.
it ain't fucking easy at all.

you wanna ignore me?
go on ahead.
just....be happy.
that's all i'll ever ask from you anymore.
and take care of yourself.
and if it makes it easy for you, i'll pretend i don't care anymore.
so you can continue living in that bubble of "she doesn't love me anymore."

if you're wondering why i'm typing this all out only now...well, i don't know.
hahahahaaha.
maybe the called triggered it.
or perhaps, the night i realized you deleted me off facebook and blocked me on msn.
orrrrr, maybe it's everything put together.
hell, does it even matter?
i know, seems like a small thing right, to delete someone off facebook, block them on msn?
you know i live by the little things.
it's those that make me happy or upset me.
HAHHAHAHAHAHAA.
why am i even laughing? i don't know.
maybe i've lost it.
you know what though?
i'm tired.
i am tired of trying anything with you.
you don't even want friendship eh?
fine.
but bleh, maybe it's hard for you.
see? the debate going on in my mind?
i'm not even thinking as i type this.
it's all off the roots of my minddddddd.

as far as i'm concerned, i did my best with you.
really, i did.
i gave my all to you, something i never did before you.
every single part of me.
every way i could- physically, spiritually, mentally, financially, though you never asked me to.
fuck, i skipped trainings and rcia sessions and you knew how important they were to me.
why did i do it?
because it's just the way i am.
it's just what i do for the people i love.
i give them the best i can....even though i may be draining.
and that's exactly what happened, i was drained.
tired.
exhausted.
we were fighting all the time.
and i couldn't do it.
because i was tired.
and more dead than ever.
you brought me life, but the fights, the draining left me dead.
now, don't get all personal and take it the wrong way.
it was just the way it was.

do i ever regret this?
regret you?
no.
perhaps, you do.
perhaps you'd never want to see me again.
perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

i'll do you a favor okay?
i'll never call you again.
or text.
or anything.
you wanna talk?
you wanna reach me?
you know how to.
i am going to try and let go.
though i know, on the inside, i never will.
no matter what i may say.

-------------

And my tears just keep falling and falling... Sigh.

You say you love me, but love doesn't hurt. And I'm hurt as hell, I've been hurt in our relationship, to the point where you broke up with me even when I begged you not to in the streets of Orchard, even when you went to Malaysia and had all those phonecalls with me. One night you'll be telling me you're not over me, the next you're telling me to move the hell on, because you're done, you've moved on. You're going to move on with someone else.

The cruelty of how things were, and how it killed me EVERY single day.. do you even know?

You needed me.. when? When have you EVER needed me?

The night you punched the walls? Didn't I get out of your bed, furious, tired and hurt as I was and wrapped my arms around you in your kitchen, whispering in your ears to come back to bed?

You wanted me on your birthday.. didn't I give in to your desires? I was struggling SO MUCH inside, you have no fucking idea. I was crying in the cubicle, cutting my wrist and finishing up that last bottle of vodka in my pocket. Do you even know?

That whole friends with benefits thing, you wanted it, so did I - I gave in to you, didn't I? You were pushing me away SO many times, saying SO many hurtful things. Bringing up such hurtful things.

Did I ever go away?
Did I never think of you again?

"if you love me, be with me.."

Yeah, I did say that. I loved you, Jasmin, and I wanted to be with you so much, even with all the fights, even with all the anger, even with all the hurt and the pain. I don't know about you, but there was a time when you wanted to be with me too, and you were. For six months.

You said you couldn't be with me anymore, but you still loved me. You still wanted me. So what am I supposed to do?! Yeah, I know you love me, maybe you do, maybe you don't. Maybe you did want me, maybe you didn't. But the one thing for sure, you couldn't be with me. You didn't want to be with me.

You were fighting for us to be together for too long and you got tired. Exhausted. Fighting for something that probably wasn't worth it. Maybe I wasn't worth it. Maybe I was. The fights and arguments surely wasn't.

you may be living with lonesomeness, hurt, pain, anger, and shit from family and work.

You have no idea what I'm living with.

Lonesomeness, because this is where you left me.
Hurt, because of all the painful things you said, because of all the cruelty and misery you've put me through.
Pain, because that's what all the memories bring now.
Anger, because of the promises you made and didn't keep, because of all the words I've heard you say.
Shit from family and work, yeah.. but you have no idea now.

What else I have to live with?
I have to live with the fact knowing the person I love LOVES someone else. Is in the arms of someone else. Is kissing someone else. Is with someone else.
I have to live with the pain from that knowledge. I have to live with the hurt that resides within. I have to live with that reality. I have to live in that little bit of misery.

You wanted to make things easier, why don't you see that you just KEEP making things MORE complicated? I tried my best to make things easy for you, I tried for that friendship you wanted, you ended up hurting me MORE than when we were together in a relationship!

I got it, you wanted me to hate you. You were trying SO hard to make me hate you. And when you realized it wasn't working, you stopped. And then you tried again.

I understand love-hate relationships... but this surely wasn't one of them.

So don't try anymore. Don't try to make me hate you.
Do I hate you?

I think even you know the answer.. but incase if you guessed wrong, I don't, okay? I don't hate you.

I hate everything you did to me.
I hate this misery you've put me in.
I hate the lonely nights.
I hate having no one to love now.
I hate knowing when I wake up, you're never going to be there anymore.

You think I deleted you off facebook and MSN because you're with Dom.

I deleted you because I can't stand this misery anymore.
You feel Dom makes you happy, GO AHEAD AND BE WITH HIM, okay? No, I wasn't being sarcastic.

Didn't I say that in January when he was on the loudspeaker and you were making out with me?

I pushed you away and said if he makes you happy, then be with him. You took it as I was being jealous and you pulled me back over and over again.

He makes you happy, so go.
Go.

All I ever wanted since the day I was with you, was for you to be happy.
I'd never wish ill upon anyone, not my friends.

Maybe I hate a couple relatives, maybe I wish karma would get back at those who deserve it.

But you?

All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.. and I tried. Even if it killed me.