The Ripped Soul

Off day.

Should've been resting.. right? GUESS AGAIN!

9am. She woke me up and asked me for a cigarette. And when I gave her one out of my box, she told me she'd taken 2 more earlier.

Tried to go back to sleep, couldn't.

Kat texted. Called. Called back. She killed the line. Texted again. She thought of changing sched, but didn't in the end.

She came in my room and told me she'll be going out to cut her hair, and I've been wanting to cut my hair since April, so I followed. Rushed, showered, changed and left.

Had lunch and tried to talk, but everything just felt wrong.

Mentioned that I felt like renting a place outside or staying out and she said if i wanted to do that, I'd better tell her when so she knows when to sell the house.

I should really thank her for pissing me off.

At the salon, she was getting agitated about waiting, and when she found out the waiting time was approx 1hr, she insisted on wanting to go out to TPY or AMK. The weather was SO fucking hot outside, the salon had cooling aircon with a comfy sofa and she wanted me to go to either place just because she didn't want to wait.

It would just be an hour man.... would an hour of waiting kill, even with such comfort? It's not like we had to wait under the sun or something. Why the need to rush?

Got SO annoyed, I walked out and went to the bus stop and she started nagging at me all the way there like as if I was fucking 5 years old. Tried my hardest to control my temper, but I lost it.

I yelled.

Plugged in my ears and blasted Lady GaGa. You got a lotta lotta nerve....

She followed me in the bus and when I wanted to alight at the bus stop to go home, she grabbed my arm and told me to alight at the next stop and to go to the hairdresser's there instead.

Something in me said forget it, I shouldn't have.

I really shouldn't have.

Haircut I got, but now I look like a fucking bird with a rockstar's hairdo.

Came home after walking around the shops. Kat called to tell me about the meeting and that if there was anything more I should know, she'll call again.

She did.

And she was crying.

Fucking Kenny.

Now I may be fierce or strong on the outside, but never let me see a person cry... or hear.

Dumped whatever it is I was doing to a side and talked to her on the phone for an hour? Half an hour? Kept trying to convince her that she was good enough, that she was trying, that she's a good manager and she's doing a great job. I respect her as my no.1, and for sure I did because if I didn't, I wouldn't tell her things and just let her find out on her own. I wouldn't care whenever it's her shift, but I do.

I respect her a great deal... sure she might have her panicky moments or whenever she gets too rigid about shit.. but at the end, I know she just means well for the outlet. She doesn't want any trouble or for her name to be defamed, and I get that. Who the fuck loves getting in trouble anyway?

Know what this fucker of a Kenny said to her? She doesn't get respect from all of us because SHE doesn't respect us! FUCK. He needs time to learn, he hasn't been given the chance to... BULLSHIT.

Before I even arrived and set foot in BDK, how long was he there for? 1 month? 3 weeks?

YOU'RE MY GODDAMN CAPTAIN, MOTHERFUCK! You're NOT my server, you're SURE as hell not my cleaner either!

You're MY captain! My assistant! You're supposed to KNOW things in the menu by now! You're supposed to know how to REACT now!

If you were STILL brand new, I wouldn't blame you. This has been 3 weeks? 1 month? 2?

You STILL can't properly take an order and close the fucking transaction, always relying on me/Helen/Ray/Kat to close the transaction for you, You're STILL telling customers 2 side dishes come along with their mini sets, You're STILL keying in items wrongly despite being told repeatedly not to and to doublecheck the items with the customers, You're STILL being unfriendly and a bit rude to customers...

I could go on and on, but what's the point?

And as for the point where Kat, Helen and I said about you bumping into us and making comments like "oh so soft" ...what could you rebutt to that?

"They bumped into me what!"

The idea here is not who bumped into who, but rather, WHAT you did after it was done. Instead of saying "sorry" or "watch where you're walking" ... no. You COMMENT and say whatever you bumped into was soft, and instead of apologizing and saying you were joking, you CARRY the joke FURTHER and TELL the other guys about it!

How do we feel?

We're not your fucking sluts or prostitutes or chickens at work to fucking comment on, okay?

You want to tell Kat that no one respects her because she doesn't respect others.

Pot calling kettle black, much?

I know I've lost all respect for you. I'm going to work with you tomorrow... you better not step on my tail. If you do, you better fucking watch the fuck out.

Before you can tell ANYTHING to Irene or ANY of your upper mgmt, I'll make sure they know everything else.

Called Sam and told her what happened. Wanted to talk to her but she wasn't free, so I told her I'd pop by OYP and talk to her there.

So much for having an off day...

Went over and tried talking and I heard her side and what she told Kenny and what that fucker said.

Got more annoyed.

Kat texted a whole long string of an SMS saying how she felt. Got more annoyed than EVER. Part of me wanted to just go down to BDK and settle this bullshit.

Stayed with Sam and left with her to SRG to see Diz after I heard Diz's share of crap that she was going through. Thought screamface would be there, then I'd give him a piece of my mind.. but nope, he was off.

Sigh.

Had dinner there.. Anna called. Thought of crashing over, but I could tell Anna was tired. I didn't wanna trouble her or Clare so I just decided not to crash.. texted her afterwards.

Don't think I'm going to trouble her or Clare anymore by crashing over...

Can't help but feel that burden thing again.

Think I'm gonna stay away from everyone and everything.. just concentrate on work, come home to this hellhole and rinse and repeat.

I'll probably kill myself in the process, but who cares.

Like today.. apparently she bought me a new fan since I was yelling about them taking my fan out and me having to bring it back in AFTER work when I'm fucking tired.

And both of them just ignored me completely when I came back.

Some kinda family, huh?

On a more pathetic note, funny how the tears still fall whenever I think of you.

The last time I was over Anna's, I stood in their kitchen facing the window.. and memories of you flooded my mind all over again.

The mornings I'd be in your kitchen and looking out your window, and you'd creep up behind me and wrap your arms around me, kissing my shoulder, kissing my neck, nibbling my ears, ruffling my hair.. I cried that morning before I left.

And earlier I was in the bus on the way home and you just came to mind again.

That ride home with you and how you slept in my arms, how you took my arm as if I was your pillow and just slept throughout. And bus stops before we alighted you woke, looked around and when you realized there was no one, you just started making out with me, not caring about anything else.

When we were so in love with each other and just didn't care about anything, or anyone.. except you, me and us.

I miss your love.. I miss being loved like that. And that realization brings the tears to my eyes.

But the truth sinks in.

I'm not yours anymore.
And you're not mine.