The Ripped Soul

"wake up, jess.."

My eyes shot open. Sunlight. Fuck. What was the time? Looked next to me and Anna and Clare were sound asleep.

Poked Anna's fingers away and reached for her handphone.

10:23am.

I WAS FUCKING LATE FOR WORK!

Jumped out of bed, literally. Like two bodies next to me and me jumping over them... ANYWAY! Got my clothes out, showered, changed and ran to the outlet like a motherfucker.

Scrambled and got everything done in outlet in a whopping half an hour. I like to think I'm that amazing sometimes.

Slowed down during breaks and got to thinking about whatever happened last night.

Sha and me were drinking margs.. I had 80% of the jar. Went to TPY and drank more Stella Artois. Shouldn't have... because that must have got the best of me.

Don't know if it was because I looked sad after, but I was trying to mask it up.. apparently it didn't work. When Mr. GaGa saw me he asked me why did I look so down.. why did I look so sad..

And I'd try to smile it off, try to deny and go "noooo.." but he knew better, and he asked me behind afterwards.

The reason why I feel so depressed after yesterday would be because of what Kat said and it triggered me. I see something in her that I see in myself.. her being open about her suicidal tendencies, her being open about why she feels like killing herself sometimes..

When there's nothing to live for. No one to live for. And every other reason worth dying for.

You just feel like you want to die, be done with this life and just move on.

And that was how I felt.. how I feel. And that's sad, right?

Maybe it was the alcohol.. but after talking to Kat yesterday, after talking to Sha, Ray and Helen about that asshole.. I just felt like I couldn't take the burden anymore. I wanted to crumble and fall apart.

My no.1 was falling apart, to the point of wanting to resign, to the point of wanting to just end her life. And I had to hold her together to make sure she had all her screws intact.

How do you save the world when you can't save yourself, jess?

And I nearly crumbled when he leaned on me. I put my head on his shoulder and I told him "I don't know..." ..when I did, and he knew I did. I just didn't want to open up to anyone. Even more so, my bosses at work.. or colleagues. How unprofessional, right..

So I drank in the silence and listened to him talk about life and his work and his colleagues at work and how they're all backstabbing him.. sad isn't it? Get a good boss and get such crappy colleagues for workmates. And COVER for them and STILL get stood all over. I felt sad for him when he told me things...

At Anna's, she cleaned me up again... thanks to motion sickness and me vomitting in the car.

I feel like killing myself sometimes..

She was talking to me and asking me why I looked so sad.. but again, how do you tell someone from work all these things? You just can't.

Then she admitted that she told the upper mgmt about the entire thing about Kenny.

And I didn't know whether to cheer and go HELL YES NOW THAT FUCKER'S GONNA WISH HE DIDN'T MESS WITH ME - or go .."fuck."

I was thankful for her concern.. for me, for all of us at the outlet. She could clearly tell that he's the one breaking the harmony in the workplace, that he's the reason why we're all so fucking FED UP about work.

But in a way I just felt.. that this just went a bit far. From what was just going on in the outlet, it went OUT of outlet when Sam got involved.. then now upp mgmt knows about it.

And I just felt like a bad person.. am I breaking his ricebowl in that sense?

Just by ranting and venting to Anna, to Sam, to Diz..

Fucking trust issues.. I wish I didn't have them. Everytime things like this happen it makes me think twice on why I should trust people..

So many reasons to break apart and fall, crumble to the ground, wither and die..

But I gotta stay strong, right?

Right.