The Ripped Soul

How's Bedok treating you?

She asked. I don't know where to start, where to end, where to begin.

Bedok's fine. I have customers that are clowns.. sure. Everywhere you go, there's clowns anyway. I've seen them in ToysRus, I've seen them in Charc's, so this is nothing new.. or should be nothing new.

Staff wise.. I've worked with Helen and Ray before and I have no problem with them. Kitchen can be a pain sometimes, but I've learned how to work around them, how to work with them. I might hate Mike some nights when he just chooses to annoy me when I'm on my last nerve...

Kenny, enough said.

Kat.... recently she's just "i wanna leave/i wanna resign/i wanna quit/i want back a no.2 or no.3 post, not a no.1/i don't want to be responsible for everything/i don't want to do this/i don't want to do that/they're not listening to me/they say i'm controlling/they say i'm rigid...."

The list goes on.

And I'm trying my hardest to make her stay, to keep her here.. to the point where I'm actually doing her duties sometimes. Massive? I was running around, she was order taking the entire night.

All I'm saying is.. its hard for me to be strong. I have to be strong for everyone right now.. for my mom, for my friends, for my family.. and now for work? For my no.1? For my outlet, for my staff?

It's very taxing.

And I'm quite drained, carrying all these burdens. I need to be strong for everyone and I try.. but when I'm weak, who's there?

Anna?

I bet even she's sick of me now...

I want to just put my head on someone's shoulder and cry, and hope to Jesus Christ they can actually lift this burden off me.. but that's something I can only dream of, right?

Didn't go to work today, hung out with the Banana and Clare after doing the delivery of the month.

Got into a tiff with a bus driver.. I should be annoyed, but somehow I just feel sad and embarrassed about everything that happened. Don't understand why he had to make a scene... it's just a fare. Fuck. Whatever.

Went to Expo and saw a whole load of stuff. Wanted to buy that green sweater... but Anna said it won't look good on me. ):

So I didn't.

Got other stuff, though.

Tried to go for the MPH fair.. but was a little too late. Sigh.

A couple of things on list to get :

New Headphones
Notes from my travels : Angelina Jolie
Michael Jackson Number Ones

...

Walked around Changi Airport after Expo.

And memories of you triggered all over again like how it did when I walked through Orchard in December. God, it was so fucking painful.

NTUC and I remembered that look on your face, that smile, that look in your eyes.. your hand in mine, your fingers in mine.. everything you said to me when we were walking around aimlessly. When you got me that bar of chocolate even after I insisted that you don't.

In the train and even MORE memories... rides home with you, you leaning on me, me leaning on you.. your legs on my lap while we listened to music, even.

I shouldn't even love you anymore, I shouldn't even miss you anymore.. and I'm trying to reason why is it that my heart hurts so much when all these memories just come to mind.

And I come back to Anna's and read your blog..

Falling in love the first time was great. Okay, more than great. I can't think of a word could enough to explain it. But love, as awesome as it is, hurts like hell to, so...it's gonna take time.
But, he's the first one to place me before everything. He's the first one who cares more about me, than anything else. And he'd do anything for me. Not saying I've never had that before.
Then, there was Jess...enough said. I don't wanna open that part up. Not tonight.
The first time I fell in love, I gave till I could give no more because there was nothing left. I was left dead. Love left me dead. Ironic isn't it?

Ironic indeed.