don't you judge of my composure, because im lying to myself..

...and the reason why she left me, did she find in someone else?

- Who is it? [Michael Jackson]

Can't be bothered anymore. Not tonight, anyway.

Recently work's just gotten the better of me. My manager tried to kill herself but won't admit to it, I got involved thanks to an SMS she sent, I got slammed at work time and again, and because of the entire incident, I have to work my ass off 12 hours a day.

Thank God I have an off day tomorrow.

Do I feel guilty? Yes. Because not a moment goes by when I think that if I didn't do anything, the only trouble she'd be in for is just a warning letter for going MIA. But by getting the cops involved, now she might be deported, and worse still, her work permit cancelled, and her losing her job. Thanks to who? Hmm?

Me.

Sigh.

So much for saving the world.. this is just like trying to save Superman when he's dying and then finding out you had kryptonite under your nails. Or trying to take a knife out from someone who was stabbed only to realise later that the knife cut an artery or some important organ while you were trying to help remove the fucking thing.

Rene could call to check on me and see how I was doing.. and frankly, its just not good. I'm starting to feel the same stress Kat felt. The need for operations to run smoothly, the agitation and frustration when there's a hiccup, when there's a screwup.. and just that.. tired.. feeling.

Like earlier? I nearly lost my temper when there was a miscalculation with closing. It got me SO fucking annoyed. Kitchen Kenny could tell me that I needed to relax because if I'm tense, everyone else gets tense. And that just pushed me further in a corner. I hate corners.

Funny how in SRG, I might get told to do MANY things.. or even in TMP when I was slammed to the point where I broke down.. and yet I could still have that energy to make sure everything ran fine.

Now I just feel tired.

Thank God for Ray and Jon though. Ray was pushing me out to go for a smoke when I was done stressing about money, and Jon was cracking jokes about me being patient.

jon: gotta have patience jess..
me: *here we go again* ..yeah, i know that, but it's hard
jon: course it is.. losing your temper is so much easier, its like having a devil and an angel on your shoulder..
me: uh huh..
jon: and the angel is just like "GIMME A FUCKIN BREAK! I'VE BEEN DOIN MY JOB 12 hours A DAY! CUT ME SOME SLACK, WILL YA?!" and the devil just takes over, because losing your temper is so much easier..

And I just burst out laughing when he did that whole scenario. It's true though.

I think I'm overworked. Overworking. Overexhausted. Is there such a term?

Even when Kitchen Kenny was trying to be friendly with me and asked how old I was.. I told him I was twenty, and he got the shock of his life saying I was so young..

I know, right?

Only 20, going through all this shit and then some, and then taking temporary charge of an outlet with people OLDER than me, with MORE experience than me..

Is it wrong to feel incompetent?

Kat could call earlier to tell me about stuff, ask about my statement, ask about what's gonna happen to her... and when I mentioned anything about being deported, she cried.

I feel like hitting myself. Or breaking something. Or screaming. What's that song MJ sang?

stop pressuring me, stop fucking with me, you make me wanna.. AHHHHHHHH! ...scream.

Ah, yes. That.

And when they did the handover, they made a couple of changes as well.... not to my liking.

For a start, normally BDK's kitchen would do the side dish for hot stuff. Floor does the cold stuff. Lemons, salads, stuff. Or navigator items.

The moment they got in, it was like the clouds from TMP just hung over BDK.

They want it done same way TMP does it. The whole navi doing the veggie thing. The lemons to pack with the fish inside, instead of separating it in containers for takeaways.

And I'm fine with that, because I've worked TMP and done. Scraped through, broke down, pulled up and pulled out.

Didn't kill myself over it.

Funny though... wanted to close 5 mins before, but he said no.

Alan always says yes. Hell, he could even joke about saying he likes me as a manager, wants to pull me out to Parade with him.

The rest of the crew groaned when he said no.

I couldn't care less...

For me, it just got to a point where I was sick and tired of caring about anything and everything.

Funny how I could still leave a note for Sam since she's taking my shift tomorrow for the time being - AND I'M OFF TO MALAYSIAAAAAAAA WITH some very special people. Yes!

And I put up the poster for the promotion tomorrow.

It's either I love my job or I love my outlet or I don't want anything to screw up tomorrow, or I love Sam for taking my shift, or I just wanna make sure everything sails smooth tomorrow even without having me around.

I don't know.

I probably didn't have to do these things, but I did anyway. It could be for one reason, it could be for ALL the reasons.

I just did what I did. And even though I clocked 11pm on the sign outs, I actually left at 12mn.

And here I am back at Anna's.

Had a scene with the uncle.. for a couple of minutes I thought I might get thrown out because I wasn't paying for anything yet I was staying over here and spending nights like as if I was a tenant.

I was almost ready to get my bags and leave.. spend the night outside if I had to. Not like I haven't done it before...

Then Clare and him got into a pretty rough argument... ish. He was joking around more or less.. but as the tension grew and the voices grew more stern and louder.. I just felt it.

I'm a burden to everyone, plain and simple.

I wonder why I bother living this life sometimes.