The Ripped Soul

Reading New Moon thanks to Anna.

Funny how reading the pages, reading the names.. initially it tore open all the memories I once knew, and it hurt. Boy, did it hurt.

When I read the part of when Edward said he was leaving her, it'd be like as if he never existed, I teared. Like how you left, huh?

When I read the part when Jacob kept pushing Bella away. Wait, let me get the page.

"Go home, Bella. I can't hang out with you anymore."
The tears welled up again. "Are you... breaking up with me?" The words were all wrong, but they were the best way I could think to phrase what I was asking. After all, what Jake and I had was more than any schoolyard romance. Stronger.
He barked out a bitter laugh. "Hardly. If that were the case, I'd say 'let's stay friends.' I can't even say that."
"Jacob ....why? Sam won't let you have other friends? Please, Jake. You promised. I need you!" The black emptiness of my life before -- before Jacob brought some semblance of reason back into it -- reared up and confronted me. Loneliness choked in my throat.
"I'm sorry, Bella," ..

Then her not believing it.

I felt like I was reliving December all over again.

And I cried.

The exact same words I begged, I cried. For days, for weeks. For months.

The hole inside screamed a kind of hollow, begging to be filled. I needed to hear someone's voice. Called Avi, no response. Got Autumn instead.. and she told me that Avi passed the message back.

But the hole was still there. The pain was still there. The memory.. still there.

Then a distraction.

Anna's text. *sniff sniff*

And I remembered last night and how we laughed. How we smoked all through the night, how we told each other stories of our past. I remembered walking with her in orchard and laughing at how people laugh, how we made fun of smelling like Issey Miyagi's [Issey Miyaki] parts, how other people were so smelly. I remembered how good last night was.

The hole was still there. But the pain.. faded away. It still hurt, but not so much. Don't know how to say it. Like it's there, but not a throbbing kind of pain. Like a numbness. But still there.

The first time in so long since I actually felt happy.. since I actually laughed while walking in town. Long time since I laughed at all...

Especially since the whole fucking incident at work.

And town.. heh. Sigh.

Off to work now. No more MCs. I'm done running. Time to hand in the letter.