The Ripped Soul

Work was bullshit. As always.

She came in and made a hell of a change in outlet... so now I've to deal with kitchen changes and floor changes. Don't you guys just hate changes sometimes?

Change is good, I know.. and it can be. But maybe it's just me. I'm just the sort that has a tough time dealing with change.

So now I have to work to her style.. no point crying over it. Like Anna said when I made the shifts here and there, the managers are all good. You just have to learn to adapt to them and learn from them.

So I was happily learning from Kat, and then all this happens... Would be nice if I had her back. I just missed her at work.. and it made me really miserable.

No doubt her way was long winded, no doubt her way was tough.. but I managed to pull through it, learn whatever I had to from her to the point where it just became systematic. And now I have to change and adapt to another.

I've gone through srg, tmp and now bdk... 6 different managers. 6 different styles.

Why can't they just standardize one way and have everyone follow?

No doubt its to your flexibility.... ah, fuck. Whatever. I'm not going to argue. I just hate change. Period.

And the receipt printer HAD to break down during dinner. How fun.

Thank God for the experience at TMP.

Closing the dinner shift and I just detested to fucking extreme levels on how she does closing. No doubt it's easier, it's faster and it's how they do it wherever she came from..

But just trying to do it earlier and there was a miscalculation in the till, resulting in 40 bucks plus in excess.

What the fuck, right?

I just got agitated. With my shift on closing there's hardly ever a huge short or a huge excess...

I just hate stuff like this.

And earlier, after we were done closing lunch, she was asking me about relationships and what I'm interested in.

"Got a boyfriend?"
Nope.
".....you like girls?"

And I just gave her that 'what in the world...' look, and she looked back at me blankly and went "eh, it's very popular now you know!"

I lied and told her I don't do relationships. They just make life complicated.

Not forgetting depressing. Not forgetting miserable.

And she just went on and on about how relationships don't make life complicated, look at her, she's got a husband that she loves and looks forward to going home to every night.....

Lucky, much? Some people just have all the luck, don't they?

And I just thought of you and my heart just hurt like fucking crazy.

Don't give your heart away if you're not ready to never find love again. Because love will change you. It has the power to heal you. It will excite you. It will move you and it'll fill you with dreams you've never had. But, if it doesn't work out, and you're left standing on the edge, it's going to suck. And it will suck big time. And if you're the one who initiated the break-up, it's going to hurt so much more. Because you're going to need the strength to make someone hate you. So, if you're not ready for all that. Then don't fall. Sometimes, we don't plan to fall. We plan it out first as a fling, a one-time thing. And before you know it, you'd be so hooked, you won't be able to stop. And you'd fall deeper and you'd fall hard.

That's what you said on your blog.

I fell in love many times, but with you I fell hook, line and sinker for all that you did. Your words, the things you did, the promises, the excitement, the pleasure, the dreams we shared, the protection I felt when I was with you. When I was around you. Your love kept me hanging on, despite everything, despite knowing about Ryan, despite knowing that one day we may just end up like this. You always told me never, you always assured me that we'll always be together. You said you'd always love me.

Then all those promises and dreams that love will always keep us together. And people told me many times to break it off with you, you weren't gonna be worth it, your heart was already meant for someone else since the start.... But I never listened to them. I hated how they NEVER approved of us together. How they could NEVER be happy for me, just once.. when I was already filled with joy being with you.

All that EVER mattered to me, was you. All I EVER wanted was for you to be happy with me.. and I went as far as I could to please you, to make you happy. I never knew how to BE there for you because you were SO strong.. but for the nights and days when you were weak, I tried to be there. I tried to put my arms around you and pull you away. And for times I did that and when you pushed me away, did I ever leave you? I wanted to.. but did I?

I never did.

Tears and loud voices, but did I ever?

I never did.

After all the hurtful things you did to me, and after all the hurtful things you said.. did I ever disappear? I still didn't.

I just needed a break.

Diz said to just cut contact from you for a period.. 3 months, 6 months.. just so I can heal. Or else I would never heal.

And you took it in all the wrong ways.

You broke up with me even after I BEGGED you not to. We had ALL those phonecalls, endless arguments over the phone even AFTER we broke up. And yet.. your birthday, I was there for you when you thought no one would be. When you didn't want to do a relationship, but still wanted the fling with benefits, did I say no?

That's SO not me, yet I still gave in to you.. yeah, I wanted you back. I wanted you so bad I'd have gone to hell for you.. and I did.

Valentine's day came and you just had to say more hurtful things.

You killed whatever that was left of me.. when I was already struggling on broken strings.

My birthday came.. you never did.
Just a text? A phonecall?

And yet after all that, you say if you're the one to initiate the breakup, it's gonna hurt so much more?

Bullshit.