The Ripped Soul

anna: *white flag*
anna: can we call it a truce?
jess: ?
anna: i owe u an explanation
anna: 4 behaving like a 1st class jerk
anna: n spoiling wut cud hv been 2 of ur best nites in a really long time
anna: i am truly sorry..4 ethg
jess: *big hug*
jess: thats what i call an apology
jess: not a "sorry i snapped at you in e car"
jess: *laughs*

..
anna: tats the part of me u've nvr seen b4
n now u do
so if u wanna walk away frm wutevr incoming shit such as tis....cos i swear 2 u there are gonna be more in future...
then i'd understand
cos i knw tat i'm not easy 2 deal wif

..

anna: i soooooooooooo wanna watch a paramore concert
jess: hahaha
anna: \m/
jess: if they have one in sg we'll go kay
anna: promise??
jess: cross my heart
anna: ok...u've crossed ur heart .. she doesnt knw wut she got herslf in2
i might be a mother of 5 by the time they decide 2 tour asia...sg included
dun ask me who the father is
hahahaha
n hopefully u&jasmin wont be in tis merry-go-round thingy ur both in now by then
hopefully by then....u'd find sum1 who luvs u unconditionally n whole-heartedly
n appreciate u the way u r
n u'll become my kids' godma
sounds fun?

..

anna: aftr concert day 1 was not bad
concert day 2 was worst
cos u played wif my head
jess: yeah.. what the fuck, huh
anna: i knw it sounds silly but i juz didnt feel like i like my head being played at tat point
jess: even ghazz asked me whats wrong with you and me
anna: n whn i asked u whr r u going bck 2...u were in fact being sarcastic
jess: and i didnt even know how to answer
anna: dun deny tat
jess: .........?!
jess: how is it that im being sarcastic when i said im going back to yours, and taking a cab from there?
or saying that im going.. home?
because your home isn't mine?
it isnt
i feel at home WITH you
but your home isnt mine anna
difference is there
my home is here
where i am now
typing this to you
and already knowing you needing to see to clare, last thing is for me to be there

...

jess: go get some rest
you waved the white flag
hopefully you rest in peace now
anna: okie dokie
anna: its nice having u bck
jess: was never gone in the first place
jess: night

--------------

Parts of the conversation I had with the banana till about 430am yesterday morning. We're okay now. I think.

She said she was sorry.. I say I'm still kinda hurt about it, but what gives, right? Concert's already over, damage already been done, time already lost.. not like an apology can make up for all of it and I'll get to enjoy Gaga again tomorrow. Or Keane.

But apology accepted nevertheless.. at least she put her guard down and said sorry first. That's admirable. Otherwise it'd just have been like a silent war on standstill.

When she told me that was all her, the part of her I've never seen before.. and if I wanted to walk away, I could and she would understand; I just felt that she didn't even give me that much. She'd really think I'd just walk away because she flared and snapped at my fingers in the car? Because her mood those two nights ruined the feel of the concert for me?

C'mon.... someone please tell me they know me better.

I'm the sort that won't walk away from close friends, from loved ones, from people I love or who love me. You could bitch at me, you could pull your hair and scream at me, you could hit me, you could go and backstab me.. but as long as my love for you remains, I'm always around.. despite the damage, despite the hurt you cause me.

So much for thinking she would know me by now...

Then the point about Jasmin and me.

Merry-go-round.. hah.

I'm quite done with her.

Do I miss the physical/emotional aspects of what we used to have?

Yeah, I do.

Do I miss her? Do I miss the way she makes me smile, makes me laugh?

Yeah, I do.

Do I miss those phonecalls asking how's my day, how's work?

Yeah, I do.

Do I miss those "I love yous" after every conversation?

Yeah, I do.

But the line was drawn when I heard her say the same words she said in December all over again. The line was drawn when I asked her to make her move and she wouldn't even ask me to stay. The line was drawn when I stood out of that godforsaken house.

I was talking to Abang Shah about this.

He was asking me if I had a boyfriend, if I was seeing anyone, and I told him no. He was shocked. Haha.

Told him I used to see someone, but "he" broke up with me last year, because of parent's disagreement with me.

Long story cut short, he said: "he" made a wise choice. Because parents only come once in your life.. but a lover, you can always be with someone else today, another person tomorrow.

But I told him that I'm just not that kinda girl.

I'm not the "I love you on Monday, and if someone else wants me on Tuesday, I'm theirs, you're hello and goodbye."

That's not me.

I'm the type that.. if I love you, I love you from now till the end. I would love you till I hear that you don't love me anymore, that you don't want/need me anymore. And even after that, my feelings for you might linger, but the hurt will overthrow those feelings. And I will be so damaged after. But that's me. If I love you, I love you till the end. The end being not when I call it, but when you do. When you push me to a corner that I cannot work out. When you refuse to work things out.

But to play around and mess with people's hearts? People's heads? Not me.

I might be sarcastic.. but I'm not a player. I might be a fiesta pimp daddy, but if I love someone, I love that person and ONLY that one person. I might melt your heart, but I always try to never be the heartbreaker.

So what was so hard for her to be with me?

Oh wait, I remember...

"If we were together, we'd be together what? 1 year? But if I stayed with you, I'd have lost my mom forever.."

..yup. Did I hear something break? Oh wait. Just my heart, nothing to see here.

Hopefully I'd be with someone that loves me unconditionally, whole heartedly, and appreciates me the way I am.... I doubt it, but we'll see. Right now my heart beats for no one. I could die tonight.. or tomorrow and not give a shit. Everyone will move on...

Then told her that I feel at home with her.. which is quite true to me. Don't know about her. To me... It's like we could be anywhere.. fort canning smoking at the foyer, or at the office and helping to staple menus, or in JB and trying to finish a box of cigarettes before going back home.. doesn't matter where we are, but I feel at home with her.

There's that feeling where I feel safe. Protected. Sometimes happy, even. Or when her mood's off, then I'd be concerned. But there's that homely, comfy feeling with her inside. Like I could trust her.. and God knows I have a huge thing about trust issues.

Then towards the end and she's like "its nice to have you back"

But I was never gone in the first place.

And now, time to hit the sack.

**Today it was "she cannot do the closing!"

....wonder what's next.