i'll be there... whenever you need me.

A whole load of shit has been happening.

Where do I even start?

Work? Her? Anna?

Work.

The calvary came yesterday. The not-so-fantastic duo. Helped Rene with deco for the outlet initially, then when the man of the hour arrived, he smoked a little with me and Jon outside, then said he needed to talk to me.

I had a choice. To tell or not to tell. And I told.

But now I wish I didn't.

They sat me outside and it was right infront of her eyes, but I didn't want that. It was too open. So I sat there and I asked them while smoking Rene's cigarette if we could go somewhere else. They said "where do you want to go? anywhere you go, it still has to come out." And so I told them that this was serious.

So they sat me behind. I told Rene, "if i'm going to tell you this, it's going to be really big." And her reply was if it will make you feel better, then tell the truth.

Sam said tell the truth. I need to tell them. Chef Kenny said they need to know what's really going on. Jon said "if its eating you on the inside, then get it off your chest and be done with it."

So I told.

The excess money. Her cheating the company of their money.

They could just sit silent, worse - put it on me. "if you knew this was wrong and it was going on for so long, why didn't you stand up to her? why didn't you tell any of us? why wait until now when you're so unhappy and then tell us?"

She was my manager. My in charge. Teaching me ALL that. How do you stand up to your own boss? It's like them trying to stand up to their CEO or the Boss himself. Do they even do that? No, right? His word is still law. They can try and talk to him, yeah. But tell him it's either this or that? Even I am not like that. And if she's not only my number 1, she's also my senior. Age wise. I'm no where near to tell her what to do.

I can only say "eh, are you sure this is right?"

Would they have believed me?

Do you, as a reader, as a friend, believe me, even?

And if you've heard the story from me in person, do you believe that this is even happening to me?

And for some reason after that, they were still waiting for me to say something else. "Anything else going on? Personal?"

I looked at him and said straight, "I am professional enough not to let my personal life interfere with my work life."

Fuck, I tell you. If my personal life were to interfere with all the shit I was going through, I'd have pulled a Katrina even LONG before Kat did it herself.

Then people will be saying "ah, don't pull a Jessica."

Seriously.

And I only found out after why they asked that, from Sam.

Met her up after that long meeting with the management. Bastards were thinking I was having a thing going on with Anna.

I know I might seem like a tomboy, I know I might be single, I know that Anna and I are close. CLOSE FRIENDS.

All because I've been sending her all those notes, and she's been sending me notes, and that monkey on her table. All because of those chocolates and packages. All because the other time I was at the office so late, all because the other time I left a note on Rus's table. All because I go ALL the way down to office to pick her up sometimes.

So I can't pick her up? If I do, I'm macho? Pretending to be macho? Trying to be the gentleman in the picture?

(Ps: the world could use more gentlemen. Every woman deserves one.)

So I can't write letters and notes? If I do, they're all love letters or something suspicious?

What the fuck is wrong with all these people?

So if I left work early and went to Marine Parade to wait for Diz or Sha, it means I'm chasing after them or in love with them too? Or I'm trying to be the macho one, picking them up?

I got so frustrated when I heard the news. So fucking frustrated. I still am. Couldn't sleep because of it.

Sam questioned me about the letter. I was shocked, how did she know? Manager? Did manager tell her or ask her something and she had a clue? Or someone else?

But I told her. I had nothing to hide. It's not like Anna and I were having some private love affair or whatever. She's straight, and she was seeing Clare. Then.

I told Sam that I was pushing everyone away. Manager said I couldn't trust people. I couldn't trust Sam. I couldn't trust anyone out of the outlet. Couldn't trust anyone except her. And that nearly killed me.

I had to trust the one person I didn't like, even though I knew everything she was doing, was wrong.

Yet, I pushed Anna away, as much as it hurt me. And it hurt Anna too, and Anna wanted answers.

That was what the letter was about.

And Sam understood.

Still fucking frustrated. Argh.

Then after that meet up with Sam, I called everyone that wanted to know what was happening. Called Anna and I heard her voice and I knew something was up.

She was crying.

She broke up with Clare. She found out he was cheating on her when he was away.

FUCK, I was screaming at myself. Why did everything have to happen this week? Why not next week or next month?

I wanted to run across the road and take a bus over to Bdk, spend time with her if I needed to. Fuck work, fuck the world and fuck waking up tomorrow.

But she said no, she just wanted to sleep. So I told her what happened briefly and I let her go.

I felt like a really bad friend. I still do.

But I kept reminding her if she needs someone, if she needs anyone, I'm there for her. Just like the song "I'll be there."

And I mean it, I'll be there. Just call me and I'll be there.

Fuck the management and what they're fucking thinking. Motherfuckers.

They were asking me "are you going to rethink your resignation?"

I said I might. Might being a very strong subjective word.

But now after I know what they've been discussing behind my back, what they've been doing behind my back, what they've been saying - I don't even need to think.

If I thought I was hell bent on leaving then, I'm FUCKING hell bent on leaving right now.

He could look at me and say "You're leaving the company, leaving us over TWO people you worked with? What about the other managers? What about Diz? What about Saif? What about Aubrey?"

He doesn't understand I'm leaving because of the principles behind it.

Not because of people.

If someone else did the SAME thing SHE is doing to ME and OTHER staff, FUCK I tell you, I would leave as well.

It's not people. It's principle. Simple.

They were supposed to follow up on me, check on how I was doing after the whole Kat case. Did they do their job? Nope.

This happens, and I know I'm telling them now after I threw in my letter. But did they even DO their job to COME to me and ASK what's up with me?

Nope.

They went ahead to assume I had a thing going on with Anna or had something else affect me in my personal life. They don't even GIVE me that respect, that PRIVACY.. and they go around asking people if I have anything going on with that side of my life.

What business is it of theirs if I'm gay or straight or a bisexual? Fuck, what business is it of theirs at all EVEN if I'm seeing Anna?

ARGH.

Maybe my birthday was a mistake. I'd have been the most depressed person then, but at least they couldn't pin point that at me now.

And after that call with Anna, called Jas.

She dropped by the outlet and she was STARING at me from table 63. I saw her, but just simply refused to acknowledge her. I just carried on my shift like a happy, bubbly kid.

She didn't even say hi.

Smoked at the back and she found me.. started talking. Tried to poker face up as much as I could to talk to her. The sight of her just.. broke me inside. Incredibly.

I was hurting inside. The pain never felt so real. I felt my heart fall and break. The one person I made my world was there standing there before me. The one person I loved so much and hurt me like shit EVEN after the breakup, was there before me.

I didn't know whether to punch her or shake her hand or whatever.

I just sat down, smoked my cigarette and talked.

Apologized for not being very friendly.

She wanted to know what was bothering me so much at work, so I told her as well.

So many people now want to know what's happening.

But seriously, they call themselves the upper management, but they don't even know how to handle relations well.

He could call me STUPID for wanting to leave because of these 2 managers.

Then he and HER both could say "if i quit now, I'll be running all my life. I ran from my previous workplace when that incident happened, and now when this is happening to me here, I'm running away again."

FUCK YOU, ALRIGHT?

The last place when I quit my job and ran away, I ran away because he KISSED me, 3 times in the same day! He was touching me TOO much in the outlet. When he asked me out for drinks and I declined, he couldn't even HANDLE that and stormed off. And the last straw was when he mentioned that the room upstairs would be vacant once the Aussie boss goes back to Australia. He hinted that he wanted to lick me, wanted to pleasure me. Some boss, huh?

You know how scared I was for my life, then? I was going home, walking home, and I would wonder if he was EVER far behind. If he was stalking me. Yeah, call me paranoid. Whatever.

And the other manager wasn't any better.

I still remember the day he pinned me to the door and was a FINGER away from my face and he said "if only I was 20 years younger, I would so chase after you..."

That place scared the fuck out of me. That's why I quit.

I'm here now at BJ and I was happy at SRG. It may have had its days, but I loved it there.

I was transferred to TMP and I could adapt to people there, it took time, but I managed to get it over with.

I was transferred to BDK and I had to learn to adapt to people again. And I tried to adapt.

When the staff relocated, I had to readjust too.

When they changed things, changed the look of the outlet, I had to adjust myself to the changes too.

But this is different.

This is principle. It's wrong. I know it is. And I'm tired of being part of it.

You can throw me a manager that does this.

What next?

I'm already tired of the Kat case. This one is another.

How many mistakes must I go through for me to finally work in peace at last?

This is time to resign.

And resigning is my final answer.