The Ripped Soul

Managed to hang out with Anna yesterday even though some plans got changed or cancelled. She surprised me with a book from Borders! :D

It's funny, huh? The one person you least expect it from, and it's the person that does it. I've been waiting for that book for ages.. My mom knew about it, my godmother knew about it.. even Jas herself knew about the book.

Yet no one got me it.. till Anna.

So.. don't think she'll ever read this, but if you EVER do; thanks SO much, Anna. It may not have showed on my face, but it means alot to me. The book does, the woman that wrote it does, and for you to get it for me.. it means a hell of a great deal. Thanks for going through all the trouble to get it for me. The best surprise I've had in a really long while.

Day before yesterday I was feeling down.. funny how Lyn calls at all the right moments. And she talked to me. She heard me cry. And for once she didn't actually say something stupid.. she just got me. She listened and tried to make me feel better. I didn't know how to save myself then.. I still don't now. I'm still breaking inside. I just want this feeling to go away.. I'm stronger than this, I know I am. I made it through 19 years without having anyone to love or love me that much in return.. and I did for awhile, but she left. Doesn't mean I'll die without it. If I survived so long without it, I could still survive it now, right?

Yet the tears still fall.

Funny how they say "no man is worth your tears".. yet I still cry over you, over Jake, over memories of Sarah and Seth, over unfulfilled promises, over memories, over love.. over the heartache you left behind.

Anna and I were talking in the cab on the way back to hers, and she mentioned something that really struck me hard.

How she and Diz were talking and Diz said she missed me.. how I was no longer the Jess they knew back in January/February. How this company killed me, killed the person I was, killed the life, killed the bubbly personality I had.

Guess it's the whole turn of events that killed me, you know?

Work would be one thing, all those stunts the managers had to pull another.. the promotion going too fast, another thing. The expectations, the management, the stress...

But see, in Jan, I was still having this connection with her. Yeah, we broke up in December.. but in Jan, her birthday came around.. and the whole string of flings and friends with benefits idea did, as well.

And to have her back in my life for that moment.. even for a little while, it uplifted whatever that was left of my broken spirit, you know? The hope that maybe we could be together still, that we could still have what we used to have.

But it slowly changed.. the words she used against me changed.. she pushed the blame on me, said so much shit to hurt me and make me hate her.

I never did really hate her.. I hated what she said, hated what she did. But somewhere inside, I still loved her. But I was really damaged.. hurt beyond repair.. rather, hurt SO much that I was looking for someone that could fix it. Fix me. I still am.

And with work being like shit.. her damaging me further..

Just killed me.

I guess I know why I'm crying now as I type this.

Call it emo, depressing, whatever.

I just feel like I'm dying slowly inside. And a small voice is whimpering in pain, asking anyone.. to help me. Save me.

Save me from this fucking mess of a life.