nobody knows.

Another one of those "I miss you" nights.

God, fuck it. 5 cigarettes and all it does is make me high, and lessen my lifespan while I'm at it. Does it help forget you? I wish it did. Does it make me feel better? Only that high moment does. But after that, reality slaps me into a brick wall and I'm right back where I fucking started.

Work sucks. Working with her and I thought maybe I'd get looked after.. but scenario feels like I'm working with another Bdk manager all over again. Missing drinks, letting my brother play for free once the bosses are out... What's new. Fucking risks and trouble is all I smell from this shithole.

Hung out with Anna yesterday, and at least that's a good thing, right? Felt good to see her after so long.. but that too, I felt like we were drifting. And it hurt inside. Incredibly. When Sam and Diz came back.. it felt good for awhile. Hearing them talk about work. But I couldn't help but feel that I'm not a part of that anymore.

And that hurt.

I felt like a stranger.

I used to feel so belonged.. in the same room as them. I miss that comfortable feeling.. like I belonged. Now I just feel lost.

At home, just silence, darkness and me. Mom comes home and its a nag or two, she goes to sleep. The communication is gone.

I guess tonight I just miss you.. I miss how in your world, you had no one but me, and in my world, and I had them.. but I wanted to be with you. And it was you and me against the world.

I wish I knew how to save myself tonight.

Jem texted me about some party tomorrow, but I don't feel like going.

I just.. I don't know.