The Ripped Soul

"Enter a world where sandcastle's aren't built, but buried, a world where the villain is not the wolf, but reality... and in this world, things are dark, but they're very real. There's a sense of longing; longing for those fairy tales and longing for innocence, but it's coupled with a sense of realization that this will never happen."

I'm stuck in that world.

Went out with Anna the other day and on the way to meet her I was just full of crazy ideas. What life will be like for me 10 years down the road. Past mom, past 2012, past everything. Who will I stay with? What will life be like? Who remains friends with me? Who are my enemies? What family will I have left? What house will I live in?

And it's scary for me, because in a way, I know I'm going to have to face it on my own sooner or later. Mom's not gonna be there after she's gone. I have no one else after her. And when I look at it, I know I have friends and everything; but when I picture that moment that actually happens, I'm all by myself. Alone. With no one else there beside me to guide, or hold my hand or anything. None of that. Now independence doesn't scare me, but it's that loneliness in the dark that does. I'm scared. Frightened. Really. Not being sarcastic. But this is the raw side of me that you guys will probably never see.

We were going home yesterday and Wayne asked, "so, what are you gonna do tomorrow? Sleep late, wake up late, then what?"

I just don't know.

About time I found a job I guess. I felt the hugest amount of guilt when she bookmarked me a fifty, I felt so dirty when Claris threw a ten at me and said my next movie's on her; merry christmas, and when I look at mom I know I'm never gonna get my money back.

Don't even get me started when I look at my Godmother..

I feel bad enough when my friends are buying me out. I mean I know when I was working and I'd treat and give to no tomorrow, and fill their life full with materialistic surprises..

But those days are long gone.

I'm worried. For myself. Be it about my coming reality, or trivial little things.

I miss having that safe future. Where coming days just rounded up to packing a bag and going to school with books, knowing it's just another year to face with familiar faces, crazy teachers and godforsaken homework. Where all you'd look forward to are holidays, birthdays and mad looking pictures. Where life was just waking at 6am to catch the morning bus, so you're on time.

As bad as life was for me then, it wasn't like the predicament I'm in now.

Now I feel like a game of chess.. where the player just sits there, strokes his chin, stares at the board of plastic horses and knights and thinks like a madman.

I can't think of any strategies to win, and I don't want to lose, but I have to make my next move.

So what move do you make?