The Ripped Soul

Don't be a hasty, nasty critic.

It's a recording of an acapella for Speechless that I did at 3am in the morning. I sang and recorded it after drinking all that was left of mom's Jack Daniels. Don't mean to be full of myself, but after going through 5 acapella videos on youtube, I thought I sounded pretty good myself, high as I was.

The pictures are just random stuff, just something I put together so to speak the hidden understanding behind the song. Every word, every chorus, every pulled note. Of course, my pictures were also limited, so.. don't get pissy over it.

If I had to dedicate to someone.. it'd go to my other side of midnight that hardly anyone ever sees. Or Sherlyn. Or anyone else that's feeling speechless.

Sherlyn and I were talking on facebook today, she gave her apologies for stressing and everything. It's fine. Everyone does it. Surprised as you might be, even I do it to myself.

Yes, I do wish I was working sometimes. It would make a little bit of everything so much easier. Money would make things so much easier. Not the career. I'm done with wanting to be accomplished.. I know I can't go far. I'm questioning everything around me, even the reason for my existence.

It's scary, but right now it's when I feel that at 21, I'm fucked without a diploma. Everyone else around me has one. My friends have one. My classmates. My cousins. My godbrothers and godsisters. They all got something to do, someplace to go. They're working for a hospital, they're working for a magazine company, they have a secure career.

Right now I just feel like I have nothing. And it's actually depressing.

Then she mentioned that she stopped calling because she didn't want to rake up memories, because she's feeling almost the same way I did, and she knows the shit I went through, and she doesn't want me reliving my nightmares.

I'm sorry you gotta go through this, sweetheart; and you probably won't listen to me. I had SO many friends that TOLD me this OVER again and told me that I would hurt myself, that this would BREAK my heart even more, and nothing better would come out of it. But I was stubborn, I didn't listen and they were right in the end. But I had to see it for myself, stubborn ass I was, right?

All I had was a broken heart, bleeding wrists, and a whole addiction to Jack and Cigs.

I would wish ill on those who deserve it, wish for karma to kick whoever it is in the FUCKING balls where it hurts like a bitch. But I wouldn't wish any ill on my best friends.. or anyone that I love, for that matter.

I don't want you to hurt yourself, so please stop hammering yourself. Stop saying it's your fault, if you did this, if you did that. Don't make the same mistakes I did. It's not worth it.

Learn to let go in time. I know it's hard. Fuck, I couldn't do it right there and then either. And I'm STILL trying to let go of everything I once had. Right now you can't think, probably can't feel either. You'd give anything to feel again.

You will feel again. You will love again. Just give time. You need to heal first.