The Ripped Soul

Got caught on facebook.

Diz was saying hey and I said hey boss. Ha. I know I shouldn't be using the term, but it's how it's always been. Even after the transfers and everything. Her next line got me. "Boss? Are you still interested to join us?"

Rejection's a bitch, I tell you that. Be in relationships or contests or competition or anything. Even for a fucking interview. Or a friendly question. Hell, try to get someone all caught up in the moment, and get rejected in the end and it fucking sucks.

I don't know, maybe I'm scared, or maybe this old soul of mine actually KNOWS it might be a bad idea. Given what little years I've had working here and working there, I know when it's bound to turn ugly at some point.

I said no anyway. I wasn't interested. But at the same time I feel like explaining it's not that I'm not interested, I'm just.. I wanna play safe? I don't know what's my future like yet, or what's it going to be like yet.

Everything at this moment, this point, is uncertain for me. Because I don't know where to go, what to do, even. I don't have my life set ahead of me. I don't have a career, a comfort zone that I can go to and lock myself up in my security. I don't have that. I might not have that. Why? Because I'm not living the life everyone around me is.

Join the Government service, I'm scared to be honest. To be fucking honest. So afraid. Because I don't know anyone, I don't have anyone. And I know that when you go in, you come out different. And maybe I'm scared of that. Scared of change. Scared that I'll lose everything that I have now.

Work part time, work full time at a restaurant, at a bar. How far will that take me in life? What about now? What happens when I actually have a salary running for my own again? While it's nice to have money, it's a goddamn nightmare in this family.

My life's complicated at the moment, and I know everyone else's is. Everyone's got their story.

But with the uncertainty revolving around me right now, I just don't want to get involved with anything else. My plate seems full enough, and I'm already full. I can't eat anymore.

When I started working, I believed that to work, you gotta work with your heart. You gotta love what you're doing. The day when everything feels like a drag, when your heart isn't in it anymore, when you dread stepping out to work, when you actually HATE what you're doing....

then why do it?

To put food on the table? Sure. Mouths to feed, bills to pay. Understandable. But how long more can you actually take, suffering in such misery?

Right now I'm just trying to figure myself out. I know I can't live like this forever. I feel like a bird caged up in my own home. When they're awake, I go to sleep. I creep out when they're shut away, snoring in their sleep. Half the time I don't even feel alive, I don't feel like I'm living. And don't ask me why, because even I don't know why I feel that way. Sometimes I question myself in my head if I even love to do anything anymore. And I don't know.

Sometimes I think I don't even love anything anymore. I'm just numb.