The Ripped Soul

Go for the party. No. Why? Because people are gonna be there, and they're all gonna talk. You know it, I know it. We know how it works. Well it's not like you can't lie to them. Just bluff them, tell them you're in a school, or you're with me in my class. Why is it you'll always say yes and okay to whatever Anna asks of you, to whatever Sherlyn asks, but here I am asking you, and you always say no!

I have no idea how to answer that. And it puts me in a spot where if I had kids, and if my kids asked me that, I wouldn't have a clue how to answer either.

Why can Seth have that and I can't?

How do you explain that it's a different question that different people ask, and that's why sometimes you say yes, and other times you say no? That if Anna or Sherlyn asked me to go to a party with people, with dreamers who became realists, with people who made their dreams come true, with people who followed their ambitions, or fulfilled their parent's dreams for them; and in that scenario, and given the position I'm in now, regardless who asked the question, I would still say no? How do you explain that it's not a matter of the person asking, but because of the situation? The problem? The position? That it's not a matter of you not being able to buy the same toy you got Seth, because this is Sarah or Adam, but because you haven't got sufficient money to buy the toy?

I've done this entry too many times I think. There was once I did the same entry when I went to that party with Jasmin.

I didn't want to go. She begged, asked and pleaded and promised it would be a fun thing.

Turned out to be one of the worst nights in my life.

People go around asking "hey, so what are you doing now?"

And it's like a bunch of silent crickets that help answer. But at least even a cricket chirps. I didn't even know what to say or answer except smile sheepishly. She tried to answer for me, say that I was writing a book, going for writing classes.

"Oh? What are you writing about?"

And everything else was static, blur sounds. She's got an idea, but hasn't put the pen on paper...

And lies it might've been, but it made me feel more worthless than I'd ever been. That I know in those 30 seconds, I was being judged. I was nothing worth more than some idiot on the street, while they were everything accomplished in life. They knew where they were going, they knew what they came to do. They figured out their meaning of life, while I was trying to live mine a day it goes by.

You might say "hey, stop making it about you. This is a party for one of your friends, one of our friends, it's her night, it's her being 21."

Really. Don't.

I really wanna go. I would love to be a shadow standing somewhere in the back where no one sees. Because when no one sees, when you're invincible to the entire world, then no one can point a finger and judge. They may say "hey, that friend, that classmate, that person, that whatshername - where is she? She didn't come? Oh, why? Oh, such a waste. Oh, such a bad friend..."

But at least its not a finger pointed at you. It's not an ugly smile, it's not a judgmental look. It's not a look of disgust on their face when they realize you're not doing anything with your life.

I have enough of it on facebook.

Joel was asking me about joining the prisons, the army, the police force, anything and everything, instead of just wasting my life away. Because when people like ME - who have no money, no education, no boyfriend, no TOTO number, no husband, no certs, nothing - exists, then everything that's worthy left is just a good ol' government job.

You don't expect to be a waitress or a kid that works at toys r us all your life right?

That's what he said.

And everytime someone tries to wake me up by saying such a thing, it just drives me more and more into a corner. I know. I know I'm supposed to do something with my life. I'm supposed to find my dreams, or make some, if I don't have any. I'm supposed to be the realist that will make them come true, impossible as they sound or might be. I'm supposed to learn, I'm supposed to go to schools, I'm supposed to make a difference, instead of just wasting my life away on this planet.
And I try.

I tried at TRU, I tried at Charc's, and I tried at BJ's. I tried to make a difference in my mom's life. I tried to help where my brother couldn't. I tried to stay even when my soul screamed for freedom and release. I tried to grow up even though all I wanted was to stay as a kid.

And for every try, I failed somewhere along the line.

Like how a little girl tries to avoid the pain when getting hit by her father. Trapped and cornered, and all she can do is just take the hits, take the pain. She collapses when it's over, but there's only so much she can take. Eventually she will be so scared to see the outside of the darkness in her corner, fear she would see her father, fear she would get hit again, fear of feeling the pain again. So she doesn't move. She just stays there.

Until courage comes. Until a knight comes to save her. But eventually everyone realizes it's all a trick when the clock strikes 12. And if you never built your house brick by brick, the wolf's just gonna blow it down.

I don't know what I'm rambling about. Maybe it makes sense, maybe it doesn't.

I'm not going to that party though. 21st or not.

I'm sorry for being selfish. But you guys will never know the fears I have, or what I feel whenever judgement passes.