Impromptu happened and we decided to go somewhere to BBQ food since we got this huge umbrella and a pretty picnic table. But we weren't allowed at Kij's, so Lyn said to go to her place after we go shopping. So we went to Shengsiong.
Parked the car and walked to the lift. When it came, the lift sank. Joce fell in it. Wayne stepped down on it. I looked at it and said "dude, that's not normal." But got pulled in anyway. Before we could say Jack Robinson the lift doors started closing and the siren rang. Tried to stop the doors from closing with my arm, but it closed in and CLAMPED my arm. Wayne started yelling at me to take my arm out but I couldn't budge, so he tried to help. Let go and the doors closed.
We got stuck in the lift.
Wanted to call for lift breakdown, his phone was down, my phone was down.. and the person didn't want to pick up. Panic. Tried buzzing but no one answered. Wanted to pry open the doors but we couldn't. So we waited. Waited a good whole 5 minutes before the lift started working. Thank God.
Got food and we got out. Using the damn stairs.
Drove over to Lyn's.. only to find out she didn't bring her keys. She started telling me she wanted to climb her ledge to get to her second window which she thought was open.
Everyone started panicking. Locksmith uncle would charge us $80. No one had a hairpin so we couldn't break in. Parents were away in Genting. Her brother was in Thailand. No one was home. She didn't have extra keys.
I looked at the ledge and did a mental calculation. I could climb the first part of the ledge. Probably get to the second. If I fall, I'd fall 8 stories down. I'd never see my 21st. I'd never see Shea. I'd never see Rinnie. I'd never see Lyn again, I'd never get to sing another Paramore song with Anna ever again. And if Lyn climbed? What if she fell? I'd never see her again. I'd never get to sing with her, laugh with her, talk to her, go out with her, cry at 3am with her or calm her sorrows ever again. I'd lose my best friend of 9 years, the one who's been supporting me thick and thin for so long. I'd lose my shadow. I couldn't let her climb that ledge. I would, if I had to.
But let's not talk about death. If I managed to actually climb to the 2nd ledge, what if the window was locked?
I'd be fucked and we'd all be fucked.
So we decided to find another alternative. Wayne's.
Drove over and cooked food there. Lyn was sad. And worried. And nothing I said made her smile. Which crushed me. But her spirits lifted later the night, so I guess that's a good thing.
Smoking and I just felt like my insides were screaming. I was beating myself up for even contemplating suicide. For even THINKING of climbing the ledge. It's been so long since I even wanted to kill myself and the opportunity was right there in front of my eyes.
And on my second and third stick, I just thought of Shea, Rinnie, Anna and Lyn. The people closest to me whose lives revolve around me. And how selfish of me to take that away.
I'm sorry.
Talking to Guy the night before and he mentioned that IF he can, and IF he manages enough money, he might just send a ticket over for me. But he wants to be at the airport when they do a strip search on my ass.
Talk about being a perv. I gave him my thanks anyway.
Just one ticket. A couple of nights.. that may/may not change my life. I know it's a bit too much to ask, but it's all my heart yearns for. Has been yearning for. FOR YEARS.
Guess that's what they call a wild dream. Maybe I'm a wild child in disguise.
Hah... sigh.
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