I swear to God I've had enough of my relatives talking to me. They make me sound like I'm one ungrateful kid, one spoilt brat, like I'm a burden towards my mother.
And if you even think so, prove it or get the fuck out of my face. I will never want to speak to you again.
I know the sacrifices she makes. I know she's great. I know her struggles. I've seen her struggles. I know the money she borrows from people so things function, so I can have what I want.
You want the truth?
I don't want her to sell this house. If I could, I'd wanna throw ALL their shit out. I wanna clear the wardrobes, their clothes, their room, ALL THEIR FUCKING SHIT. I'd LOVE to re-do this house, I'd love to repaint the walls, I'd love to fix the doors and the electric circuits.
I'd love to renovate this place and make it so fucking brand new.
But I can't.
I've lived here for over 10 years. I've never fixed a thing, touched the walls, even. As I entered this home when I was 10, it's been like this for 10 years. The walls were never painted or repainted. The gates and doors were okay until his girlfriends broke them.
And I have had it seeing my mother struggle with trying to pay for the roof over our head. It's not a cheap rental, it's nothing like $50/month. It's $500 a month. And I ain't even counting bills yet.
So you're telling me, "see? Look at all the sacrifices your mother has made for you" - I know.
I'm not the ordinary kid around the block that doesn't give a shit about their parents or how everything gets done. I give a shit. I give a whole lot of shit. I give a fuck about everything going on.
When I have money, I'm not selfish. I surprise her sometimes, I let her have what she wants. I help pay for the bills when it's a regular paycheck. Just see. $6,000 last year. What I gave in ONE year was more than what my brother ever gave in his fucking lifetime.
And sometimes she needs cash to do things. If I have any, it's hers.. and I don't even count.
I'm sorry if you feel that me asking for a new phone, an xbox, a plane ticket to USA is a bit too much for her to handle.
I know it's too much to handle.
Which is why I'm prepared to pay for the price when I'm back. I know she's counting on me to work again. And when that happens she will probably resign and rest. And I would have to pay for everything going on.
I have resigned to my fate, yes. But first I need to get this out of the way, and I need to go to the States to see for myself if the love was even worth waiting for.
I'm sorry if you can't understand that. I don't expect you to. But please stop judging me, and don't tell me off like I'm an ungrateful bastard child.
The trip to the States was promised to me last year, that I would go in December. It didn't happen because her share of the money didn't roll in. It was promised this Easter, it didn't happen either. Now I am just sick and tired of empty promises..
Mom said she would try her best to make things work for me so I can fly in August.
I don't want to expect too much, but if it does happen, it would make my world.
And I already love her so much.. to love her for a reason would be an abomination. I love my mother because I have seen her struggle to make everything right. She complains, she cries, she screams at me, even.. but at the end of the day, she is my mother, and I love her. I've seen her try to put up a strong front at her weakest moments, I've seen her when she was broken, I've seen her smile, and no one else is prouder than me to actually realize the fact that this woman has made it through hell and high water to raise me for 21 years all by herself.
Still think I don't know the shit she goes through?
Still think I don't appreciate everything she has done?
Think again.
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