The Ripped Soul

Couple of days ago, mom was talking to me, trying to coax me out of going to the States.

"With the money for you to fly over, do you know I could buy a whole new living room? I could get a new sofa. A new table. We could even buy one of the ikea beds. You could sit there and play your xbox whenever. And when your friends or when people come over, they have a place to sit.."

Yes, mom. I know. I know that the amount I'm spending to fly can do wonders. It could buy me a Mac. It could buy me Alienware. FUCK, it could DAMN well buy me the new iPhone coming out this July.

So I sat by myself and meditated on it this afternoon.

My mind was screaming at me to be realistic, to get fucking real. I could fly. Then what? Have a happy romance? For 2 weeks? Have a summer romance? Experience what 'love' you've had for her, what lust for her you've built for YEARS in just 2 weeks? Would it even be enough? What happens when you want more? What happens if you're not satisfied? You still have to leave. You still have to come home. You can't take her with you.

Or fuck that scenario, right? What if things DON'T go according to plan? What if she's a completely different person from what she's like online? What if you both don't get along? What if things DON'T go according to your expectations? What if you get so bored there? What if she doesn't love you in return? What if you get treated like shit? What if people hate asians there? What if they discriminate? What if you don't feel belonged there because they look at you all funny and shit? What if you get left ALL alone?

You can't call Sherlyn. You can't call Joce. You can't even call Anna. No one will be there to save your ass. If you put your hand in the cookie jar, be sure to know how to get it out, or you're fucked.

And my mind kept screaming at me to let it go.

And I didn't get angry. I didn't get disappointed. I didn't feel any form of hatred.

My heart felt sad, though. It felt a great deal of sadness. And it hurt so much that I couldn't let go. I need to do this.

And I searched deeper within myself.

I trust her. I trust the fact that when she says she will take care of me, she would. When she was so psyched to have me over, I believed that. When Rinnie said she would make plans to drive over if I'm really going over, I was thrilled.

2 people that I love, and they would take care of me, in the lands where I would really feel like an alienated human being.

It's the same kind of trust I had with Sherlyn when she told me she would take care of me in Genting, and she did. She did, every step of the way. It's the same trust I have with Anna, when I know I can tell her anything and she would have my back. When I could fall sick and know that she would be there for me. The same trust I share with Elijah knowing that if ever the whole world walks out on me, I still and will always have him around to look after me.

You guys have no idea how scary the idea of it is to me. I might be all macho or strong or festive about it on the outside, but I do have my fears and worries inside. I can survive alone, yes. But one of my fears is loneliness. In every meaning of the word. Going to a whole new world, experiencing different things there. Different cultures, different people, different friends.. I wouldn't know one avenue to another, one highway from the other.. I wouldn't know what's cheaper, a bus or a train. Or a cab, even. It's as good as throwing me over to Malaysia. I'd be just as lost there than anywhere else. And that's just across the Causeway.

But there was more to the pain in my heart than a mere fear..

This love isn't like the online flings I've had with Emily, with Avi. I wish Lisa was still in contact with me, but she quit me, so.. wherever she is, I can only wish her well.

Shea was like. The first person to save me from abusing myself in a relationship. That's what I admired about her. She was my white knight on the horse, she was the prince who made the save. You get the drift. Otherwise God knows what I'd have done with myself all those years ago.. Clare running around with 4 other guys and me, what was I even thinking.

Even after we broke up, I still thought about her. When she wished me happy birthday, I smiled. When shit got rough with Jas, I talked to her. When things were crap at work and I couldn't breathe a word to anyone, she was my outlet. She listened to me when she didn't have to. She wanted to try again for a friendship when I was being a total asshole towards her. She eventually kept her cool and just left me alone, but when I was ready to be civil again.. she was there. She didn't leave. She never left.

I can't express the ache my heart feels because she's not a phonecall away, she's not a taxi ride away, she's not even a door away. She's a plane ticket away. A plane ticket that costs me by the thousands. I can't afford thousands, but I am willing to sacrifice whatever I have to sacrifice. You want my money? Keep it, mom. You want me to stop spending? Stop calling people? Stop texting? I'll stop.

I'll do anything.. just let me go. I mean, last December.. till now. I've been waiting for so long, so has she.

I really, really, really.. need to do this. And Joce, I know, it's another cheesy entry from me.. don't call me and tell me I'm cheesy again. I can't help the way my heart feels..

On another note, just got the Vivaz.. still trying to figure things out. First person to bless my phone with text messages = Joyce. Haha. Poor girl's playing mahjong at 4am... crazy chinese people. Just wondering.. do malay people play mj? Indian people? Eurasians?

Yeeeeah.