Life's as it is, really, right now. I'm not exactly slacking. I work when there're jobs, I rest, chill out and have fun on days I don't have jobs. Simple.
I'm working. I work at Hal's, I'm a banquet server for functions, and sometimes they use my services to waitress a little bit at the restaurant over there. It's pretty simple. On rare occasions I get called by my previous company to run a couple catering things. Nothing too hectic.
What I intend to do is fly to the States. If you're asking me about studies, I'm not quite sure I want to go just yet. We all have plans on what to do, what to learn.. theatricals, drama, biomech, media, science, optometry, music.. how many of us actually come out successful and end up doing things we studied for?
Why my love life is complicated:
Sigh.
1) I like girls. I like guys too. Doesn't mean I like both at the same time, that's just fucking cheating. And I'm not like that. But I -do- roll both ways. I can like a girl today, and if things don't work, I could fall for a guy tomorrow. Or another girl. But whatever. You get the point. I like girls. I like guys. Okay? Too much to absorb in? I thought so.
2) Right now, as of June the 7th 2010, I am in love with a girl by the name of Shea, (I won't disclose her last name because I don't want idiots googling/facebooking her and whatever) who lives in Alabama.
Things between us are complicated though.
i. She happens to be my ex-girlfriend. Yes, we've dated each other before, online. A long time ago on a game called Fiesta. And then offline thereafter when we both quit the game altogether. It didn't work out because her ex-boyfriend at the time decided to break us up, and he was successful at it. And I was an idiot, I'll admit that. I was too late when I tried to fix anything. We were bitter to each other for a while, but eventually we got to being friends. And then I realized my feelings for her never really.. went away.
ii. She knows I still have feelings for her. It's obvious. But I'm not sure about the signals she's sending back. She says she loves me, she says the things I say make her look like she's in love with someone, and she says she can't wait to see me. (Quite frankly, I can't fucking wait to see her, too. I would sell my soul if I had to. But August it is, so till August I shall wait. The best things in life are worth waiting for, yes?)
iii. She won't get in a relationship with me because she recently broke up with someone, and she's not ready for a new relationship yet. Personally, I don't mind being a rebound.. but if she says she's not ready then she's not. Doesn't mean I love her less, doesn't mean I can stop my heart from loving her at all. I still love her. I still yearn to be with her. My heart is screaming the words the world cannot hear. My heart is still screaming the words that I yearn to hear from her.
iv. I would never admit it, but I'm in love with her, and I know it. I see her in every loving thing around me, she's the first person I think of when I wake and before I go to sleep, she's the reason I would listen to a love song, she's the first person I think of whenever Vanilla Twilight/suffocate/with you plays.. She's the first person on my mind when I watch Moulin Rouge, and I always see her in come what may. I think about her just about every other moment of every single day, no matter what I do - and for every single time I pick my phone up and think of calling or texting, I just put it away.. because I don't want to scare her off, or creep her out, or make her get so sick of me.
v. I'm in love with a girl from Alabama. Her name is Shea. I'm a girl from Singapore. My name's Jess. If you actually are aware, Alabama and Singapore aren't exactly neighbors. That's the fucking States. We're countries away from each other. WE'RE FUCKING MILES AWAY. I can't drive to see her. I can't even cycle there. She is so far away from me and it hurts to love someone when they're so far away physically.. all you can hope for is that they'd be with you at heart. All you can hope for is that while you might love them, maybe they too would love you in return.
I love you, Shea. Status or no status. Pain or no pain. The knowledge of you loving me in return... or not. Texts or none. It doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm going to try and not let it get in between. My love for you is indefinite, unconditional. Priceless. I will love you, every step of the way, come what may. If I have to prove to everyone that I really, honestly, truly do love you, and have to do so by waiting months.. just to be with you, I will wait.
Just trust in me, just once. One chance, that's all I ask of you. Don't give up on me yet.
3) Technically I'm still single, yes. I'm not WITH anyone, literally. But my heart is taken. My heart doesn't sing for anyone who comes along, but sings for her. I don't want to be with anyone else BUT her. Another girl could come up to me and be all "hey Jess I like you" and I might actually say "yeah I like you too, but my heart belongs to someone else." That's about how cold I could be. That's why it's complicated. I'm single, but unavailable.. until this love goes away. And it doesn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon.. except to Alabamz in August.
Still say that it's not complicated? It pretty much is, isn't it? It's more along the lines of "screwed up" ..but status wise, complicated is the closest I can get. So, complicated it is.
Now if she did say she would love to get in a relationship with me and rework things out...
..that would be a different story of my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment