Might have had a case of food poisoning the other day. Wanted to vomit so many times throughout the day after drinking a cup of lime juice. The fuck. But it's all good... isn't it funny how mothers know exactly what to put in your mouth if you're sick?
Anyway.
Flight's on. 4th August.. that's next month. It's quite scary and exciting at the same time, I really don't know how else to put it. It's like my head is screaming "YOU'RE FINALLY GONNA SEE HER! OMGWTFBBQ"
I wish she was a little bit excited.. but nothing much from her side. I'm lucky if I even get a text back, or a reply.
Nothing from Rinnie either. Or Elijah. Though he did say he would check his schedule to see if he could drive down to Alabamz.
Nevertheless.. still excited. Still scared.
I'm so fucking nervous.. feels like I'm going on stage all over again. Is it even normal to get the heebie-jeebies?
And I'm quite stumped whenever mom asks "is she excited you're finally coming down?"
I just smile and lie and say, "yeah she is, mom. She's excited."
I don't blame Shea though.. I was supposed to go down last December. Then April. We were so fucking psyched. So fucking psyched. All of us. Rinnie, Shea, me.
I felt their excitement through their messages.. through their texts.
And it all turned out to be fucking broken promises. Thanks, Godma.
Now my mom's making my dream come true and it feels like no one believes me. At the rate it's going, I can't help but feel like something's just gonna come along and fuck it all up.
Maybe customs won't let me through. Maybe I'll miss a flight along Texas or Tokyo. Maybe she won't meet my face at the airport. Maybe I won't get to stay with her. Maybe I won't even see her. Maybe I'll have to go rouge. Maybe I'd get stuck in Birmingham, a new alien planet, all by myself.
I'm scared shitless, I'll give you that much. But I'm a survivor, right? I'm not the girl with the frilly dresses and the pretty dollfaces. I'm not the girl that cries over a broken nail or smudged make up. I'll survive this even if it turns to a wreck, right? I ran away before, I've slept on beaches, on benches, in parks, bus stops, you name it.. and I'm still here. I might have been alone, but I lived through it all. Even at work and all those stupid fucking transfers and new people I've never met.. places I've never been, colleagues I've never known.. all it took was for Anna to promise me that I'll be fine on the new alien planet. And it took a while, but I grew into it. I was fine.
I'll make it through 2 weeks no problemo, right? And if anything else.. home is just a phonecall away.. right?
On less scary notes, I've got new respect for Kristen Stewart after watching The Runaways.
Fucking amazing movie.
Though it kept reminding me of a certain someone.. the way K-Stew looked, her whole sense of demeanor. The way she smiled, the way she did her hair.. that look in her eyes.
I used to see that. Drums and everything.. or even the blue electric that sat in the doorway.
Even now when I remember, it hurts. It hurts my heart a great deal.. and all I feel in my veins is just a hatred. A feeling of sadness.. and hatred. So much hatred.
No comments:
Post a Comment