I'm crying because I miss you so much it hurts. I'm crying because I dreamt of you again last night and I miss you so much. It's like for every second that I was with you, in my dreams every second slowed down so much it felt like minutes, and minutes felt like hours.
I remember seeing vividly Johnny Rockets. I remember that look on your face as you were texting. I saw you again as I was trying to show you DomoKun at Urban Outfitters.
When I met Sherlyn yesterday, she was happy to see me. She said I looked energized, and I was wondering why that was. Everyone was saying I looked better since my flight. I looked more.. alive.
And I realized why.
Because I was dead for SO long, till I finally found you. Till I finally met you. Till I saw you and felt my heart soar. When I saw you and felt butterflies. And when my heart realized it could love again. That she didn't kill all of me. That I didn't kill every part of myself. I could still love, and I loved you. I loved you so much, even though I never showed it.
That brought me back to life.
But now without you, I just feel so alone. I only see you now in pictures, in my memories, in my dreams. It's painful, and it hurts because you're so far away.
Real life here is just as much a bitch as anything else.
I might lose my cat because we have to move, and we haven't got a place to stay. Not everywhere accepts pets, and having a cat around is going to be a hassle. It makes me sad because even though I don't look after Steve or clean up after him, he's the only other friend that I really have.
He was there for me when everything was over. When my life fell apart and when my heart broke in half.
He was there for me every other night whenever work was over. As tired as I was, he would greet me and walk around my legs and follow me around the house.
When my mom told me that I would lose him to SPCA because we cannot bring him through whatever we'll be living with the next couple of months, I didn't know how to take it.
My life would be reduced to a single suitcase. I would just have my laptop, my ipod and my phone. I wouldn't have a wardrobe, just a single suitcase.
Everything else would go to storage.
I don't know what my life is going to be like, and truth is, it's really scary. Uncertainty is scaring me so much that I would give ANYTHING in my life to go back to that motel and just live there, even if I had to live alone for another 10 days, even if I had to tolerate another stalker from Texaco.
I've been let go of my job, so there's nothing left to look for.
My life right now is pretty broken up, and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know how to fix my heart, fix my head, fix my thoughts, my soul, anything.
I don't know how.
I'm supposed to be the one with the answers though. I was always the one with the answers.
Even with that predicament with Shea and not having a house to stay in at the last minute, everyone else didn't know what to tell me. They didn't know what answer to give.
I knew that I would have had to find the nearest motel and live there.
I don't know how I managed to survive without counting my expenditures everyday, but I managed. I survived it, I lived it. And I didn't even do my maths.
If someone up there is looking after me, thank you, really, from the bottom of my heart. But right now I need to see my answers, my options, and what I can do with my life. Because I don't know anything else, and it's scaring me worse than a nightmare.
Right now the tears just fall.. they fall so much. And my heart cries because it hurts. Loneliness hurts. Being unloved and unwanted hurts. Knowing that I can't have her hurts.
I'm in so much pain, it's torture. Agony. I'm in agony, even when I don't show it.
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