It didn't hit me that I was leaving the country, away from home, away from friends, away from my cat, away from everyone and anyone I knew, away from people who loved me, away from people who cared if I lived or died. It didn't hit me till I was on the plane to Narita, Tokyo. When the plane had actually gotten ready for take-off and started rolling on the tarmac. When the sun started to rise over the skies. When Jeff looked over at me and said "it's starting to hit you so hard, isn't it? Like you're really doing this. You're gonna be away from home, all by yourself.." And it just struck the very feeling in my heart. I was alone. I had no one but me.
But he was an amazing friend to have on board. He took care of me and made sure I was alright. Breaks were fun, and he kept me company all through the flight. He even listened to my story about why I wanted to fly to Alabama. He cared. Before we landed he looked at me straight in the eye and called me crazy for doing this, but he told me I would be fine. He told me I would be alright, that I'd survive. And that if the worst was to happen, just go straight to a motel and live there for 10 days before going home. And that restored all faith I was lacking in myself, all belief that I was an independent soul, that I could do this and that I could take care of me; regardless of whatever that would come my way. So God bless you, Jeffrey Strader, wherever you are.. in the sands of Africa or back home in Dallas, Texas.
On the other flights en route to Birmingham, AL, I was stuck with watching movies or listening to music. Sleep didn't exist. And trust me when I say it was hard to watch Bride Wars without remembering my best friend back home. I missed her. I wish she was on the plane, but this was a flight I'd to do alone. And hard as it was, I actually survived it. 16 hours and then some of no sleep, no friends and no one to talk to. Customs was a bitch, but when I'd finally made it through, the banner smiled at me. "Welcome to Texas!" Indeed. This is the place I've always wanted to be. In the US of A. I lost my piercing thanks to customs. Note to self : never wear any stainless steel studs again. Ever. It will prove to be a bitch when you least expect it.
Finally - touchdown. When I got out, it was a simple airport. Nothing complicated like Narita, nothing confusing like Texas, nothing fancy like home. It was simple. The people were friendly, though. The lady at the info booth who had talked to me earlier about getting my baggage at the carousel actually waved goodbye to me as she was leaving for the night. The cab drivers kept asking me if I needed a ride. But I was waiting for her. Hours passed and I was getting worried that she might actually leave me stranded there. Plus I had no food, I had no idea where the nearest food joint was, I had no car, I couldn't drive, and I wasn't about to ask the cab driver to drive me to the nearest MacDonald's just so I could wait there and chew on something.
Called my best friend. Called home. Called Korinne and asked for a solution. What should I do? What do I do now? No one had the answers. All I could do was wait another couple of hours, and if she didn't show, I was gonna have to do this all on my own. Eventually the cleaning lady at the airport chased me off because I was in her way of cleaning, and she told me that no one would be coming at the given hour it was. So off I went and made my way like an idiot of a tourist with the brochures and discount books. Got into a cab and told him to take me to the nearest motel which was Kings Inn. And he just looked at me and went "girrrrrl, you sure you wanna go to Kings Inn? Not the Mariott or the Sheraton?" And I smiled and told the driver not to let the leather jacket fool him.
I understood why he asked that when we reached, though. The place was as ghetto as.. I don't even know. Not that I couldn't live with it, since I was living like it even back home. I grew up living in a ghetto-like hood. So why would this place be any different, right? Maybe the people speak english here, unlike the life back there. But the 'hood would be the same. It was always the same. Don't mess with anyone, odds are people won't mess with you. Look like you're someone who can be messed with and they'll fuck with you. (Which I would learn the next day, very well..)
I befriended the motel owner and got my ass upstairs. If I had to live on my own, so be it, but I needed to figure my life out for the next couple of days. Figured out the electricity and the internet on my own, and that was it. Next thing I know, she called! She actually made the drive to the airport but security was acting like a bitch. So I told her I'd actually made my way down to the motel, and she eventually drove over when she figured her way around.
I was as nervous as a kid on spelling bee. That was the first time I'd have ever talked to her. EVER. My heart was racing. Situation wouldn't exactly be ideal, but hey! She was a real person. And I finally got to hear how she sounded like. Needless to say, when she finally arrived and got out of her car, I was.. there's no word. I was stupefied. Of course, I had to be cool as ice and go all "WASSSSUP" when I'd seen her from the balcony, but I was going through some crazy butterflies inside.
When she stood in my doorway and explained how she got lost and couldn't remember the floor I was on, I was just listening, but in my head I was gawking like an idiot. I didn't even know what to say. I didn't even know what to do. My head was screaming SHES RIGHT THERE YOU STUPID MOTHERFUC.. all thoughts aside, the poor girl wanted water, and I wasn't so sure about drinking from the tap. She wasn't sure about using their plastic cups. So I gave her my tumblr and let her have it. Win-win.
After minutes of sitting there and talking (and gawking) she eventually saved my life and brought me out to eat at a nearby Deli's which was apparently 24hrs. I would learn two things. The first, she is scared as shit of lifts and will always take the stairs. The second, she is also a klutz. Now this would be a life-long memory that I pray I would never forget, and I probably never will. So we made our orders and sat outside, since she wanted to. Other tables were still cluttered with rubbish, so we picked a seat just behind the fountain. Next thing you know, (or I would know, rather..) she pulls out a chair, trips over the leg of that chair, tries to get her balance on a brick before tripping over that brick, then trips over the low wall,
... and she falls right smack into the fountain of water.
I swear to CHRIST I never laughed so fucking hard in my life! And while I was asking her inbetween laughs how the hell she even managed to trip over so many things and fall in there, I was just amused at how adorable she looked like paddling her way out of the water. I helped her out, anyway. And thank heavens she wasn't evil enough to pull me in with her? Haha.
Got her out and we looked around, hoping that no one just witnessed the spectacle we went through. Waiter comes around with my philly steak and he goes "did you enjoy your swim?" SCORE! Oh my fucking God. I wish I could even show you how hard I'm laughing right now, just recalling it. You're amazing Shea. You really are.
Once supper was done, she drove me back and I asked her to spend the night since it was late. Gave her a towel to dry herself off. She took the bed, and I took the sofa.. which I would immediately regret since it was cold as a morgue, and I didn't have blankets while she had 5 of them. So I creeped into bed with her when she was fast asleep. And no, I did not take advantage of her or rape her, let alone cuddle her or anything. Both of us just kept our hands to ourselves. Yeah, deal with it.
The next day, I'd have woken up, paid the guy for another night, thrown a pillow, jumped on her (while she was half asleep) .. and I'd have ruffled her hair to wake her up. If anyone is asking, "JESS WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING KISS HER OR SOMETHING TO WAKE HER UP!?" ...It just didn't feel right. I'd wanted her to get to know me first. I didn't want to scare her off, and I didn't want to lose her entirely. All she had to do was just drive off and I'd be left all alone in a place where I didn't even know where to buy food. Or shampoo.
She eventually woke up and replied a ":(" to my status on facebook, which I was howling with laughter over, in relations to her falling in water last night. She looked cute as hell though, lying in bed with that smirk on. Then she got up and got ready to go. Woman had places to go, people to see, things to do.. not just me. Haha.
"Don't let the negros get you," she teased. Yeah.. I wish I'd have listened to her. Because when I decided to get a little adventurous and roam about, the next thing I know is I have a black, homeless dude stalking my ass back to the motel. It started like this.
I was hungry. There was nothing to eat, I didn't pack food with me, and the motel didn't exactly have room service. There wasn't a nearby-within-walking distance food joint, there was no coffeeshop, and there sure as hell wasn't a mall in sight. Asked around and was told that the nearest place to get grub would be at the gas station, two blocks down. I walked right on over. The heat was unbearable. The wind that blew was hot air. The lands before me that I walked, deserted. Buildings weren't bustling alive.. nothing like home.
Finally found the place and the restaurant was full. Drive thru was packed and I wasn't gonna wait for food. It was a little scary, and outside while walking in I'd have seen someone with a fucking shotgun in his damn pick up truck, so I wasn't gonna stick around and see how shit goes down. Ran in the mart and got supplies. Cinnamon rolls, 2l bottle of Mt. Dew, a couple of canned drinks, some snacks, gum, pixy sticks, a bag of cheetos.
Now.. I know when I'm being watched 80% of the time. This guy at the cashier kept looking at me as I walked in and shopped around. I didn't like it. Got to the counter and he was like, "Hey girl, you're beautiful. Just gorgeous. Why you wearing a hat? Take it off, show me what's under it." And he moved closer to me to try and take it off. I moved backwards, closer to the cashier. The cashier scanned my items and told him to leave me alone.. but he didn't. Kept asking if I'd buy him a sandwich because he was really hungry. Fuck no, bro. I grabbed my change and left. He followed. And this is the freaky part. He asked me to buy him a sandwich again, but I said no. Then he asked if he could at least have a hug.
... I haven't even hugged Shea for real for once in my life and this guy wanted a hug from me.
Aiiiiight. I hated it, but I gave him a hug. Then he asked AGAIN if I'd just buy him any sandwich because he was hungry. I got so annoyed that I grabbed out my bag of cheetos and gave it to him and told him he could have that. Walking away, I saw him get on his bicycle, and he was asking if he could get my number, an address, anything. Said that he'd like to call me sometime. Visit me sometime. Spend the night, since he was homeless. THE FUCK BRO. I told him "no thanks" and straight got walking and told him to take care. Now I know he was on a bike, so I decided not to walk in the direction of the motel. Instead I went across to Shell. Walked around and saw all sorts of Hip Hop Alabama caps. Haha. Amazing. Was thinking of getting some, but everyone's advice on how to control my expenditure just blew in my face. So I grabbed a can of chicken noodle and went to the cashier. Asked the cashier nicely if there was an age limit for cigarettes and booze. She said 19. I said, "Oh it's fine then, since I'm 21." I asked for a box of menthols and got a six-pack and she took it, then she said she needed to see ID.
Now I won't say that people are stupid, but like when I got asked for ID, and I took it out, the bitch takes it, looks at it and goes "Huh? What is this?" IT'S MY ID YOU DUMBFUCK. What the hell does it look like? Just look at the date of birth, it's RIGHT THERE under my name! What are you waiting for it to do? Flash some lights, do the macarena and tell you that I'm legal to buy tobacco and alcohol? Bitch, please. I really felt like punching her in her abdomens. NO ITS NOT MY ID ITS SOME PINK CARD I GOT FROM HALLMARK WITH MY FACE AND INFOZ ON IT. Really, if all you need is an age thing, just look for the date of birth. It's simple. She put it in the bag anyway after much reluctance.
And guess who the fuck popped in? The homeless guy from Texaco."Oh darling! We meet again! I think it's fate.." Yeah, well I personally think it's about time you shut the fuck up and that it was time for me to get the fuck out before something serious really happens. I rushed by him to get out and he kept asking me for my phone number, an address, and my name. Then he asked if I was married, if he could spend the night, because he knew how to pleasure really well. I fucking got my shit together and ran like a bat out of hell. I ran back to the motel like my life depended on it. And I made it. I straight shut the door behind me, locked it, double locked it and unpacked.
"Don't let the negros get you," and I remembered that smirk. Indeed, Shea, indeed.
Lesson learnt : life can throw all sorts of shit at you, but if you learn to work your way around it and manage the loopholes well, you'll survive anything.
I sat there thinking to myself as I chewed on my cinnamon roll that other people might've given up at roaches, fail lights and bad ass door knobs.. but there I was living through it all. Jeff was right. My instincts were right. I'd survive. I have my mom to thank though, for the survival training back home all these 21 years.. so thanks, mom. Trying to get clean was a bitch though. After that drama at Texaco I realized that I didn't get shampoo, so I asked Shea if she could help get some. She said we could go to the store after.
Spent the whole day in the room just waiting, watching tv and chatting with friends back home. American TV is the bomb, by the way. I love it. You could flip a channel on in the afternoon and you could see tits on tv. UNCENSORED. Amazing.
Wait, wait, wait... Eventually I gave up.. and I remember sitting there and thinking maybe I wasn't gonna see her face that night. I'd have to sleep my first night alone. I hated the thought of it. I started screaming at myself mentally because I was giving up on this. On a love one sided, on friendship.. Tried not to think on it. Finished the Mountain dew and tried to sleep. 3am. Mom called and hung up right as she heard that I was asleep.
"Every time the phone rings, I hope it's you, girl.." thanks, J. Holiday, but it wasn't her.
When she'd finally arrived, she was like "CMON LETS GO TO THE STORE!" ...I'm like, "what store is open at 3am?" And apparently Walmart never closes. Was about to change when she said not to, so I grabbed my stuff and we hopped to her car. Walmart is a huge ass motherfucker, I'm just gonna put that right here right now. She was laughing at me because I was in awe at everything, and I was jumpy and freezing. Grabbed everything I needed. She refused to recommend anything, so I just randomly grabbed food and milk. We were talking and comparing what I have and what they have (which is a whole fucking lot) ..then when getting bread, she passed the compliment that I picked it well. Italian bread for the win bitches. :D
I swear though, Walmart.. it's amazing. It's huge, the aisles go on forever and they've got all sorts of shit. It's like I couldn't even decide on my cereal, my bread, my milk, nothing. Not even the microwave food. THEY HAD SO MUCH AWESOME SHIT. They had THAT much awesome shit. After looking at toy cats and hearing her go "DAWH KITTY" for the 99th time, we got shampoo, bowls, spoons, paid for everything and got the hell out of there.
Next stop was Waffle House, a place that sold breakfast 24/7. Awesomesauce? Indeedy. The first place I been to where they had a sign outside that read "no guns allowed." I was like Whaaaaaaaaat? Who the fuck gon bring a piece to a waffle house? What they gonna do? Threaten to blow some black ass up if they don't get their scrambled eggs done right? The fuck. Needless to say, I could care less. Because I felt safe whenever she was around. It was like no one dared to fuck with her because she could blow a whistle and have 10 guys show up with bazookas. You didn't wanna mess with her. She was amazing. Gorgeous, too.
Food was BOMB. I loved the hashbrowns, I loved the eggs, and the waffle was just MMMM. It would be the first meal I'd have had Shea pay for, and the last. She was like "KEEP YOUR ASIAN MONIES D:" Pssssssh. While we waited she kept dozing off at the table, so I kept poking her and stroking her hair which would snap her awake, to my surprise. After we were done, the chef was asking where we were from, why were we dressed in shorts and a tee. Asked where she was from, where I was from. She answered for me. Neat. I just winked at the chef, and he got so amused with it. He yelled at us to be good, and she replied "always."
Yeah, we're good. Real good. Second day and not a single move. Haha.
Drove back to the motel and we just crashed. I gave her the shot glasses from Singapore.. she was happy with it. I'm glad, you know? At least I got something right. Bed. 5:20am. Played ♫"Suffocate" and went to sleep hoping for cuddles, but got none. Oh well.
Woke up and had cheerios. Did the usual morning routine, and talked to friends online. Rajev had wanted to see what the motel looked like, so I got on cam and showed him around the room. He saw Shea sleeping and was all "OMG JESS I FEEL LIKE IM IN A FIRST PERSON SHOOTER! QUICK! GO LEFT! BANG! BANG!" Haha. Was talking on facebook to some of my friends, leaving comments on walls and things. Step Up 3D was released in theatres, and I was fussing about it together with "Salt" the movie, so Paige was asking me to go watch a movie with Shea, but she was still wrapped up like a burrito. Spoke too soon though, cause minutes later, sleeping beauty finally woke up.
Me: MORNING!
her: Mmmfgrrr
Hahahaha. Waited for her to settle down when she suddenly said that she had 3 hours to kill before she had to leave and go to work. What were we gonna do? 3 hours. I could do so much in 3 hours. Cook something, go out for lunch, take a walk in the park, watch TV, watch a movie, kiss and make out with her... cough. I asked if we could do a movie. "Suuuure," came her reply.
"Step up 3d: In 2d format" and that had us laughing on the sofa. But movie timings weren't in favor that day though. She would either have to up and ditch it halfway or get a jet plane. So we decided to catch a movie another day when she'd have more time. Sat around and wondered what to do when she suggested the mall, so off we were after my shower.
Jumped on the bed and wrapped my arms around her when I got out, wet hair and everything. CLOTHES ON. Clothes on. Jesus. She was busy checking things on her phone. I wondered what was going through her head.. I know she was always on mine. Once both of us got ready to leave, this was when I made the biggest realization since Eureka.
She drove a ford mustang. The past two occasions when she drove me about, I was sitting in a FORD MUSTANG. My dream car, the only car I'd have ever wanted to own, and THERE I was sitting in it. It didn't matter that it wasn't the 1970's model or the Shelby's. I'd have died then. BUT I GOT TO SIT IN HER FORD MUSTANG! Cough. Ahem. Now that we've got that out of the way...
So she brought me in the mall and it was a little like a metro superstore. There was glassware, plates, cutlery, beddings, quilts, comforters, clothes.. that kinda thing. Then she was asking about why they would put all the plates in one area, it's so dangerous. So I piped up that it'd only be dangerous to people like her cause if I were to poke her and if she went crashing into one aisle, the whole place would crash like dominoes. And I laughed.
I know I'm mean.. but I was just kidding. I love her and her very klutz-like habits. And I didn't push her or poke her hard enough for her to crash into anything! I'm just sayin'. ...before mafia lords come after my ass.
Then she toured me out, there was Game stop, body shop, Urban Outfitters, American Eagle Outfitters. I was just in so much awe. It was too much of a dream come true. Then.. Hot Topic! Shop of my DREAMS. They had every tshirt of every band/singer known to the pop culture. MJ, Lady Gaga, Paramore, hell.. even the knick knacks like Star Wars, Invader Zim, Chowder, the Twilight franchise.. I was mindblown!
Then she was helping me look at labrets since my piercing was long gone. They had nothing like the one I used to own, though. It made me sad a little, but hey, at least she was sweet enough to help look, right? Bought a whole bunch of stuff from Hot topic. If she wanted anything, the chowder keychain, the Lady Gaga wristband, it was hers. I got through with my shopping, then we got out. Went to have asian food for lunch. She kept laughing at how I was so defensive over how real asian food tastes like. That I could cook better. (But it's true! I could cook better shit than whatever I had. Haha.)
But I love to hear her laugh, see that pretty smile. She's so beautiful.
Found out that she doesn't know how to work chopsticks! Another one of those.. "learn something new" moments much to my amusement. And when we sat to eat, she was talking about shops, food, her best friend, the meaning of some of her keychains.. the reason why she keeps canned tabs.
And there was ONE time.. I caught her looking at me beyond my shades. And it felt like we shared a connection, a chemistry. I doubt it.. it might have just been me. But that look in her eyes just made me wish I could hold her face and kiss her. I didn't, though. Down at Victoria's secrets, I was happily waltzing around, and the sales person was nice enough to ask how my day was, if I was okay. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! It was Victoria's secret! My first time! I was ecstatic. Excited. Happy. Gay. Hahaha. Shea seemed pretty amused with me being so chirpy.
After that, we left, went back to her car and she drove me back before going to work. Told me that she'll see me later. So later it was. Time passed. Minutes felt like hours, hours felt like days.. the day was like a long one that never seemed to end. Then she texted, 'I'm coming up in that bitch with my work clothes on' and I felt like replying "aight, you can take em off when you're here ;D' but the last thing I needed to do was sound like a fucking perv. So I just went with 'Aiiiight gorgeous. Later :)'
She came up and I was like "Waaaaaddup." She was working it, no doubt. She could wear anything and still look fab. Pyjamas, work clothes.. it didn't matter. She was still sexy as.. and for every time she waited at the doorway, she just had my mind rolling.
I mean, I was sitting at the same corner in front of my laptop.. and there she was, lying on the bed. I saw her legs and I went mentally wild. I'm not even going to type out my fantasies. I wish she knows how sexy she is, though.. In the end she went to bed, and I creeped in after. In the middle of the night she'd slept so close to me, and I looked at her and wondered what would've happened if I kissed her. If I wrapped an arm around her. (I KNOW I SOUND CREEPY! D:) But I didn't do anything though. I just looked at her, watched her sleep. The night passed.. in the end even I got so tired I knocked myself out.
Next day, same thing all over again. Cleaned the microwave as well. Remembered that she had a meeting at 10am, so I gently stroked her hair to wake her, and she woke up, startled I was at her bedside. Asked what she wanted for breakfast since we didn't get any grub the night before, and she opted for the Hot Pockets we got from Walmart. I got up to mischief.
Then she got her blankets and sat next to me on the sofa while we watched videos. Flipped through books and she told me things about the stuff to see in Alabama. I told her I wanted to go to the Alabama theatre but she didn't have a clue how to get there. So it was out of the question.
Watched a couple of videos on cats, and I just gotta admit I love seeing her adorable side out. She'd giggle and go "DAWH KITTTTY" and it would just make me smile. Showed her the L4D2 parody that I love, and the Vampires Suck trailer and she laughed. I love how she found it all so amusing. Then she packed up since she needed to jet. So I let her go.. and just like every time when she would have to leave, I would miss her dearly.
Waited again for her to come around, since that was the only time I'd ever dare step out of my room. She didn't show all afternoon. I went to take a nap. Suddenly, "BANG! BANG!" The motherfuck. I jumped straight out of bed, worried about who the fuck it could be at the door. Looked out the window and saw her car outside, so I guessed it was her.
Opened the door and there she was. The most beautiful girl in the world.
It was like wham! Her long hair, that smile, that look in her eyes.. she was wearing this spaghetti strap top and a long skirt. My loins were burning with so much desire. The backdrop was plain, simple.. a car dealership, the sunny weather.. but she stood there looking like a Goddess. She was so beautiful, the way her hair fell over her face, the way she just stood at the doorway with her bags in hand, she was a stunner. She was absolutely gorgeous. Mindblowing. Breathtaking. I couldn't keep my eyes off her, but I knew I had to look away without looking like a total moron. In my head, my jaw had fallen so far, my tongue was rolling and hanging out.
Changed my stuff and off we were, again. I had to do anything and everything in my power to stop staring at her, because God knows I would. Noticed she had a neat little navel piercing. (SEE? I told you I had trouble taking my eyes off her.) Radio stations were ridiculous, they were playing the same song 10 times over different stations. So trust me when I say I can deffo rap Eminem's bits in love the way you lie. Not even joking!
She drove us to The Summit, which looked like a cast stage set up straight out of The OC. It was all fancy, you could tell by the buildings, the colors, the way everything looked like. It wasn't like the mall, it was nothing like what we had back home. You could tell this place was meant for the rich (and famous.) Poor people just won't ever be there. It was amazing. The sight was breathtaking. Parked her car and I just jumped out like a little kid. I was so amazed by everything around me. It was huge. Rich. Exquisite. Bedroom, Bath and Beyond! The same shop they used in "Click!" the movie. Unbelievable. The place actually existed. There was Coconuts, a CD and music shop. SEPHORA, Shea's favorite make up store. M.A.C's, another make up store. Banana Republic. Gap baby, Gap kids and Gap. Aldo's. Urban Outfitters. Old Navy. Clarks. Barnes & Noble. Apple. (which for some reason had a LINE outside the store. Shea was like, "is this a new club?" I was like "YEAH GIRL DIDNT YA HEAR?! DJ Jobs IN THA HAUZ" and she burst out laughing with me.)
We paid a visit to Urban Outfitters. They had all sorts of clothes, men and women's. They had books, art, accessories, all sorts of funny shit. Like a notepad with "reasons why I want to have sex with you" or a sticker pad with Post-Its saying "FUCK THAT" "THIS IS FUCKING URGENT" "FUCK YEAH" ..finally found the fingerstaches. The moustache set. I was meddling with it. And whenever I saw a domo, I just called out to Shea and was all japanese accent "DO-MO-KUNNNN" and she would have that beautiful smile or that cute giggle. Absolutely amazing stuff, Urban Outfitters. They even had the Holga cameras and the DIY speakers. Then we bypassed this mugs area, and I saw a mug I liked. It was a Pint glass with the word "Pimp" on it. Black and gold. It was $10 for 2, so I asked Shea to get another of what she'd like. She picked out a turquoise blue glass with the word 'Bitch' on it, real cursive handwriting. Haha.
Walked around, found earpieces. Sugar Daddy. I got em. YEEEAH. Saw a pretty tin of Absinthe gumballs. Got that too. Then she was browsing through the books.. had a laugh or two from it when she was reading F-U penguin. That book is amazing, I swear to God. I remember laughing so hard just reading it at Harris back in Singapore. After we were done browsing, we went to the counter to pay. The first guy was like "cash or credit? Cash? Awww man, I'm sorry sweetie, you gotta go to that guy, I haven't got a drawer. :( " Haha. So we went to the other counter, and then he was like "I can't help you, but you both look good by the way!"
She does look good, I know. I'm just a regular shirt and jeans person. Haha.
Paid up and got out, and we both left for Johnny Rockets since we were starving. 50's diner, indeed. It reminded me of Billy Bombers, but the food there (@ Rockets) was so, SO, so much better. They even played The Bee Gees "Staying Alive" and "I can't help myself" by the Four Tops. Old school. I loved it. We ordered chilli cheese fries, she ordered a Bacon Cheddar and I had a Chili Size. She chose a coke float, and I picked a chocolate milkshake, and for dessert she had an apple pie while I had a sundae.
Food .. I have no words. It was so amazing that I wished to GOD I could pack it all back with me. And we sat there and ate. Fought over chili fries with our forks and we talked about everything, from Warcraft to me quitting fiesta and how it happened, to asians, to the table at the back who spilled their drinks, to the waitress that came out and went back in. And she was amused at how I replied the waitress whenever she came by and asked if our food was alright. "Mmmmmmmf. You have no idea." Or when the waitress came out and commented on my milkshake melting like a hoe and I was like "nooooooo it's totally fine. I love it like this. All moop and nice and MMMMMMM" and Shea just laughed.
After paying for our food, we were gone. Watched Step Up 3D in the theater. We got in, and it was this big square hall with pillars. At the sides you could see the popcorn vendors, the drinks station. She quickly walked to the usher and gave him the tickets. "Enjoy your movie!" How is it that people here are so courteous, polite and nice? And she was right. The previews were still playing. She picked a seat nearby in the centre aisle (I love her for that.) And we got comfy. Some of the trailers were really funny, and the sound of her laughter was like music to my ears.
I was hoping she would rest her hands on the armrests so I would've stood a chance at holding her hand or grazing her fingertips, like how I used to do all that time ago. But she didn't. She kept them folded or got busy checking her phone from time to time. Step Up 3D was the bomb, it was the best dance flick I'd ever seen. May be the effects, may be because of the surprise dance moves, but it was awesome as hell. A little boring when they were talking, but awesome, nevertheless. Personally though, I felt they had one too many intense scenes. She looked at me for one of them, and I caught it.. but no move was made. After the movie ended I felt like dancing, so I did as we were leaving. She laughed because I was silly.
So we got back to the motel and she got out of the car.. still beautiful as ever. Went up and I started messing with her. I unpacked stuff from the bag and wanted to give her her blue glass, but I pulled an arm back when she reached for it. Then swerved my arm when she tried again. Then she grabbed it when I least expected it, but I pulled it back so all she got was paper. Hahaha. Then I wanted to flip the glass, but was unsuccessful because of the lack of grip, and it fell to the bed. Fail.
Next up, I tried to open up my earphones case. I fussed with it but it wouldn't budge, and she saw me struggling with it like a little bitch, so she asked me to give it to her so she could throw it against the wall to open it. I gave her that look like I wouldn't want that to happen to my new toy. She laughed at my reaction. Then she kept cooing me to give it to her so she could help me open it up. My cue, so I sat next to her on the bed and tried to open it. Still failed hardcore. So when she asked me to give it to her so she can help me open it, and promised she wouldn't break it or throw it against the wall, I reluctantly gave it to her. She smiled and tried opening it.. next thing you know, WHAM! She pulled the tab and the cover came off.
MY HERO!
I got so esctatic that I asked her to do it again and again. She laughed and repeated what she did. All that time while sitting next to her, so close.. I wanted to do so much. I wanted to push her hands away from the earpiece and just hold her. Cradle her, kiss her neck, kiss her lips, whisper in her ears and tell her how beautiful she was. Tell her how much I wanted her. It was a mere minute or two, but it felt like minutes whizzed by with every breath. I didn't though, as tempted as I was. I loved her, but I didn't wanna scare her off. I didn't want to lose her. So next thing you know, I was dancing around the room. She was smiling and laughing. I unplugged my ears and thanked her. Then she got up and walked to the door.. said she had to go home, her mom was expecting her and she had to wash her uniform anyway. So I let her go.. but when she walked out, I opened my arms to ask for a hug. She smiled and walked towards me, so I quickly gave her a huge bearhug.
"OH JESUS!" she exclaimed. (And it was only a hug. A friendly one!)
Then she was gone, and I was there, feeling more alone than ever. Feeling more angry at myself that things were not going to plan. I wanted to kiss her that night, and I was thinking about asking her if I could just have one kiss. It'd just have to wait till the right moment.. but the moment never came. And she was gone.
Loneliness had creeped in next to me, smiling at my misery, smiling at the fact that I had no one. I was all by myself in the dark, in a place where I knew no one but her, and she had left me.
The next day I didn't do anything much. Same ol' routine, but I walked around the place and took pictures of the lot. Went on facebook and got a little poetic, "I've known this pretty girl for quite a while. I've watched her laugh, I've seen her smile. And I'd do anything for her, even travel miles. If anyone knew me well enough, they'd say I'm in love, then question who. Truth is, it's her. It's always been her. It's always been you. Now tell me, do you know this pretty girl too?" and it was about her. It was always about her. Every dang status I had was about her in some way or another.
Cleaned out the bathtub and took a long bath in there. Relaxed myself with jazz music playing in the background. Whoever said you couldn't chill out and relax in the ghetto was wrong. Then she texted that she would take me around Montevallo tomorrow, her hometown. She wanted to take me around where she lived. So she wanted me to get ready in the morning. Slept alone again, and woke up just the same with nothing but a shirt on. Danced around and got my shit together, did the same routine every day.
She came around to pick me up in the afternoon and mentioned about going to a Hooters for lunch with her friends. I felt like my balls got stuck all the way up in my throat. But I played it cool. Any friend of hers would be a friend of mine... if they liked my guts. I was as friendly as the neighbor next door, so I had nothing to worry about, right? Right. We arrived at Hooters after what felt like an eternity. The guys ordered pitchers of beers, and I would've joined, but oops.. everyone knows what's with Jess and IDs. So I skipped it and went for water. Shea did the same, too. She ordered a chicken fillet burger thing, I ordered chicken quesadillas. Nice stuff. Hooters was like a western bar. The girls were gorgeous, assets were *everywhere.* They were nice, too. I love how they just join in the conversations so naturally. Try doing it in Singapore and the table just looks at you all weirded out. That's what makes the States so amazing though. Or Alabama, anyway. The fact that everyone is friendly (till you piss them off.)
Jarod was cool, he would occasionally ask me questions about Singapore, about languages, about people, about society and how different we are. He asked questions I loved to answer. "I know this is gonna sound like a dumb question, but do you speak english?"Shea cracked up. So did I. DUDE WHAT HAVE I BEEN SPEAKING IN THE PAST 10 MINUTES?! He's amazing though. I like him. He's like the male version of myself, sorta. Like, it was agreed at the table that there would be no conversation about work, and when it came up, Jarod shot back "hey I thought we weren't supposed to talk about work at the table?" And I just LAUGHED. Like mad. It's just something I would say if my friends decided to drop a topic and suddenly bring it back.
Had a couple of laughs, paid for the meal, and off we were. Jarod and I both felt like it was our birthday when the hooters girls were gathering around for their meeting at the table in front of ours. They were so.. stunning. Got to his car and took a seat, hot as it was. Saw a carton of Marlboro's under the driver's seat, so I took em and started looking at it. Shea was like "why're you looking at it like that? See anything interesting?" And I just told her that the box is different. Back in Singapore the boxes had pictures of dead babies and dead people's feet off it together with what the cancer looks like when someone has it. I was questioned if I smoked, but I said no.. and put the box back.
I did though. I smoked. I smoked every other time I wasn't around her. I smoked back home, when she was away, when she was busy.. and boy, did I want to smoke then. I wanted to smoke so goddamn bad. Smoke all the heartache away, all the stress and misery away. Smoke loneliness and impossibilities away. It was a bitch of a feeling. But I couldn't. I promised her months before we met that I wouldn't. I wanted to, though.. since things weren't going the way we both dreamed about. My heart was aching incredibly.. for reasons one could not fathom or understand. Jealousy had taken over and I was struggling to control whatever I felt. It was like a disease, consuming me whole. I learned that day that the saying was true. The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else. Right there, right in front of you.
Nevertheless, the ride ended. She took me to her place of work, and needless to say I was pretty impressed with it. It was nothing like home, nothing like what I had expected. Walked around Montevallo and took pictures of the place. Walked past Eclipse and laughed quietly to myself. If only Sherlyn was there to look at the place in real life. I wish I'd gone in, but I felt as lost as anyone else, so I just kept walking. More buildings, more black people, more cars and vehicles.. fast-food joints, drive thru's, newspaper stands, and bam! CVS Pharmacy. Did some shopping, got out and started walking around a little more. Saw yellow school buses. Saw a Firebird. Pick up trucks. More southern folks, people sitting on their benches and on their front porches. Witnessed the sunset. Walked back to Pizza Hut and saw Matt with his baby girl, Gemma. Cute kid wanted to drink from my Monster can. Haha. She was adorable. Then he had to disappear and settle work stuff, and soon they both left. He said it was nice to meet me, I nodded back. They were all cool as ice.
Sat down and took out the map to look at it. Before I could say anything, Shea hopped out and made her way over to the table then asked what I was up to. Then she took the map from me and told me she never knew how to read one well. Haha. She's so cute. The wonders of technology when we depend too much on a GPS system.. drives you clueless with reading a real map. We tried to figure our way around the Birmingham streets, but before she could tell me where exactly I stayed, she had an order, so she went in.
When she was done, Justin and her got out, and he was going to go get stuff from MacDonald's. Asked if I wanted anything, but nah. Told him he had a nice ride. He drove a red GT Ford Mustang. Favorite, hello!
Felt a little thirsty, so I asked Shea how much it was for a drink. She said it was on her. (FREE DRINKS?! Score.) So I got a Dr. Pepper, and I asked her what it tasted like, and she just didn't know how to answer. She found it odd and incredibly amusing that I never even knew what a Dr. Pepper was. I told her I wasn't gonna talk to her and she laughed at me.
Night fell afterward, and they were on slack. Orders weren't coming in regularly, so they sat around the tables and asked me all sorts of things. Gotta love Jarod. He asked me more questions than Shea ever did. Stupid or not. Then his shift was over, and I wished I could've taken a picture with him, but I didn't want things to be weird, so I didn't. I just casually said goodbye. Another customer came in for take out and when she found out I was from Singapore, she was like "I've always wanted to go there..." and I told her that hey, maybe she would someday. Since I've always wanted to come to Alabama and there I was, you know what I mean? She smiled.
Montevallo was quite the experience. I realized that I could live anywhere. Ghetto, city, street, even in a small town.
She finished work soon enough, and that was it. She drove me back to the motel, took a shower and we both went to grab a bite at the Deli with Justin. Sat there, talked and ate grub for what felt like hours before leaving. She drove me back to the motel, and then she went her own way.
A man was waiting by the stairway, and he called me out as I walked in. I got freaked out and quickly made my way up, in case if it was the same stalker from Texaco.
I was left alone, again. Sleep was hard to come by. It didn't matter if I had 3 pillows or none, hip hop music or classical, with the TV on or off. Sounds were like static to my ears. I couldn't care about it. All I wanted was for her to be there, for her to want me the way I wanted her. But right there and then, I felt unloved. Unwanted. Like I could live or die and it didn't really matter. It wouldn't matter to anyone. I knocked out, late as it was again. My mornings were still early.
Wake up, rinse and repeat. Then she texted that she would be taking me to the Galleria. Biggest shopping mall with glass top windows. I was born ready for that. Hung around and waited for her, and when she arrived I saw two cute monsters in her hand. One would have been Gir from Invader Zim and the other, a banana. To represent her, I guess? Hahah. She said it was for me. I was so enthralled with it, so I thanked her for the lil fellas.
Then she told me the story of Gir and where it came from, and I felt bad once I found out it was initially from Katie, who gave it to her. Held the banana in my hand and remembered that she was always the banana and I would always be the popsicle. (But the popsicle had made the absolute sacrifice of jumping out of the freezer to spend 10 days in the fruit basket. I was melting, and I was alone in there. I had no one else. No ice cubes, no air conditioning. I was alone.) Turned the banana around and it had a smiley face. I smiled.
So I kept the toys aside, and played with Gir. Then she told me the story of her and Katie and how their friendship fell out. I felt bad for taking Gir since it held somewhat a momentum in their friendship, but she snapped back at me to just accept the gift and take it or she would take it back. (OF COURSE I TOOK THAT BITCH! Me not accepting Shea's gift? Fuck you, it could come from the Maharajah in India and if she offered it to me I'd have grabbed it straight up.)
We went down and she showed me the papers that she bought the tickets for Cats. (YES! My lifesaver. Have I said that I love this girl? I do, I really do.) Talked about all sorts of things in the car as she drove. We eventually reached the galleria, and my God when I say that it's huge as fuck, you better believe it. I was starting to get accustomed to the people around, so me being around westerners wasn't really a big thing anymore. I'd grown to love the place. I'd grown to love the people.. and I'd grown to love her, even though I never showed it.
Now alright, I know I can be pretty racist, and I do enjoy racist jokes sometimes, but I swear I did not mean to be racist that day. It just fell out of my mouth like word vomit. We were walking by Godiva's chocolatier and I was looking at the place wondering wassup with all the gold wrappers. Shea said it was a chocolatier, everything in there was chocolate.
And I just HAD to say "even the people, too?"
AND WHAM! We walk by and we see black people serving black people chocolates. Sexy dark chocolate, supersized, anyone? LOLOL. Alright, I got a feeling I'll have a price on my head once people read this. I was just kidding though, alright? I love black people. They're absolutely fantastic.
It was nice to see Shea laugh though. I love making her laugh. She wanted to show me another shop that was just like Hot Topic, and it was called Spencer's. Basically the kinda place where all the emos and goths go to. They had all sorts of stuff there. Keychains, shirts, bottles, hats, piercings, and then that's where I decided to get my labret. Got Paul a tshirt. Shea wanted to buy a water bottle, so she got that for herself. I was just trying on everything. They even had the hat from the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland. I tried it on and couldn't get it off though, so I asked Shea to help me out. She just looked and laughed at me. I liked being silly around her.
Anyway! We left Spencers and walked around, and she showed me the carousel right smack in the middle of the mall. Pretty big thing. It was amazing. Then we went by the other shops, saw her favorites, again. Sephora and Body Shop. We saw asian people asking if we wanted a massage and she got scared of them. I was just shocked that there were asians around, period. Shea laughed at my reaction whenever I saw an asian person. (There was just supposed to be one of me, you get me? I'm just sayin'.)
We saw arcades, and she showed me the AU shop. Auburn University had their own merchandise, as Alabama had theirs. Then we decided to have lunch at Chick-fil-a, where she ordered nuggets and I had a spicy chicken burger thinking it wouldn't kill me.. when it almost did. Haha. We both had lemonades and chilled out by the carousel. She almost killed me with the ketchup satchet, but I kinda got my vengeance and took a fry before painting her fingers with ketchup. I love myself. Haha.
I wanted to ask her to take a picture with me so many times but it just felt so awkward. I wanted to hold her hands so many times but I didn't want to scare her off. When she took a picture with me finally, and when I realized she'd stuck her tongue out, I wanted to kiss her like I meant it. I didn't, though. But while we were walking, our hands touched a lot of times. And every time they did, my heart skipped a beat. I wondered so hard if she felt the same at all. I couldn't take my eyes off her, and I wished I never had to. But I was so shy and she was so beautiful.. I didn't want to freak her out, scare her and lose her entirely. My nights at the motel alone were bad enough. Not having her around at all would have just killed me.
We walked around, talked about how she and Katie became friends, talked about her life, her apartment and the people being bitches, talked about work. When we walked past Abercrombie and Fitch, she was shocked that the place was playing club music, so I pulled her hand and waltzed in. We started dancing, then the song changed to "Getting over you" and I just turned to look at her. The lyrics felt so right.
"Wish I could spin my world into reverse, just to have you back again.." There was just no getting over you, Shea.
If I thought I was just crazy about you online because of a game, because of your cute and funny and pretty pictures on facebook or myspace, because of your personality online, I fell in love with you eventually, especially even after meeting you in real life. But you wouldn't ever know..
Out of Abercrombie and we walked to the end, and there it was! The Alabama merch shop. But the shit in there was so expensive and I didn't have the money. Then I spotted an air hockey machine, and for my life, I have no idea why, but I felt like having a game with her. It was a dollar to play, so she paid for the first game, and I paid for the second. It was intense.
She beat me straight up the first time because I was so distracted with her across the table. Her hair, that beautiful face, her amazing figure.. and she was kicking my ass. For real. She was merciless. Asked for a rematch and tried to keep my head in the game. I won, but the real victory was to hear her laugh and see how she smiled, see how she reacted when she scored a goal, see the look on her face when she lost. She's pretty competitive. I like that. Got out of that place after that match and we were both EXHAUSTED. Hahaha. It was like we ran a marathon, or had a riot in the bedroom, no clothes required. It was amazing though, and we were still laughing about it while walking to the car.
Back at the motel, we rested a couple and I played with Gir a little more, while she helped me fold my shirts and things nicely. I started sticking all the sticky tape on her arms and she started screaming because she had hairy arms! Like me! Haha! She was so cute though. I loved everything about her. I was so close to her but she never made a move, so I didn't budge either. Changed into something more casual because I didn't want her feeling left out in her denim shorts. And off we were to see "Cats" the musical. We crossed the road and walked to the convention center, and it was like she said it would be. It was huge, and there were different places for different things. She went to get the tickets which she had to sign for. (even show ID for it.) This place was serious business.
Walked in and we saw the Cats merchandise on sale, so she decided on getting a Cats Tshirt. I decided with the same. What good would a program do anyway, right? Got our shirts and we were making fun of people dressing all fancy to sit in the balcony. We were so casually dressed and we were sitting among the orchestral seats. It was amazing. We were quite a distance away from the stage, but the musical was still bomb.
Before entering we were deciding on using the washroom, getting popcorn and drinks and waiting outside. We sat outside and made fun of people, fat, young, old, skinny. There was a fat woman in front of us that sat on the stairs, and Shea said she was wondering how the hell she was gonna get up. I told her I wasn't gonna stick around to find out. Hahaha. Popcorn queue had a long ass of a line, so I told her to go use the washroom first.
Bam! Washrooms were full. We ran up to the one near the balcony and used it, and when we got out, everyone started queueing for it. Hahaha. People were well dressed though, and everyone kept looking at the two of us like we didn't belong there. Shea said they're all there looking fancy because they just wanna seem complicated. I got what she meant. People wanted to seem all high and mighty and proud to be going to a musical.. they weren't there FOR the musical.
We ran down and got 2 cokes and salty popcorn, then realized we were running late, so we rushed into the halls as soon as we were done. This son of a bitch that was in front of me kept snoozing and sleeping. I mean, alright, I'll admit that at some parts, it could get really boring, because there was hardly ever any conversation. It was always dancing or singing or both. But sleeping?! C'mon... Shea was saying that he was probably forced to go or he wasn't gonna get laid. (TRUTH!) During the intermission I poked her and begged if she could swap seats and move over since the two seats next to us were empty. She knew that the usher was looking, so we waited till it was dark. Moved over like ninjas. Thanks, Shea.
Cats was beautiful. The ballet, the music, the songs, the dancing, the outfits, the crazy pirouettes. (Cough. She was beautiful, too.) Memory was amazing. After it was all over, she drove me back. Told me to think of something to do on my last day. She had fun, and she hoped I enjoyed myself. I did. But why did you have to go, Shea? Why couldn't you stay?
I'm guessing she had more important things to do, places to go, people to see and have fun with. I was probably a nobody, or maybe I was boring. Or maybe I'd scared her off with all that pillow fighting, jumping, hair ruffling.. I missed her though. And everytime she wasn't there, my heart just tore itself apart.
But what the heck, right? She was long gone, and I was alone. At least this time around I would have Gir waiting up for me.
My flight was day after next. Time was little. I still didn't make a move, like her. But I was so hungry for love, I was starving. I felt deprived, and the more deprived I felt, the more insane things felt. I was pacing like mad, venting my anger on a pillow. I had to have her, but as I did, I felt her slipping out of my grasp. She was gone. I slept alone again, and loneliness joined me. Depression looked from beyond a mirror, smoking his last cigarette. He was laughing at my predicament.
"You spend thousands of dollars and you're still alone. Nobody wants you. Nobody will ever want you. Nobody wanted you back home, and nobody's gonna want you here, either. Accept it Jess. Accept me. Reject love and all the nice things because you're never going to have them. No one is going to want to hold your hand or kiss you. What were you even thinking?"
What was I thinking. I didn't even want to know. Sadness spilled over my pillows and the blanket was all I had to keep warm, but what use was there when I was already so cold inside?
Woke up and it was my last day in Alabama. I wanted to do a lot of things, visit the zoo, visit the Alabama theatre, see a baseball field, see a football stadium, or go back to Hot Topic and buy everything on clearance so that everyone back home would have something.
Texted her and no reply.
Waited for hours on end just staying stuck at the motel and my paranoia had succeeded me. I thought she was never gonna show, not even for my last day there. I asked Rinnie if leaving right there and then would be for the best, and she said to sleep on a bed for one last night instead of crashing at the airport. Our friendship was deteriorating on end, and I felt it. I didn't know what wrong I'd done, but the feeling sure sucked.
Finally she texted that she would spend the night so she could send me off in the morning. I laughed at myself. My last day, hours so few before I was gone and she would only spend the night. Guess it was better than nothing, eh? Waited again for hours, but she never showed. I got tired. TV was amazing, but my mind was so distracted. Repacked my luggage and waited for her.. I ended up sleeping.
Next thing I know, I heard two loud bangs at the door. I opened up, she wasn't there. I looked out and saw her car. I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on, sleepy as I was. Then I saw her. Yelled out to her like a lunatic and she came up after grabbing her stuff from the car.
I felt bad. I know it must have been a pain to drive all the way out to some ghetto neighborhood to some sleazy looking motel just to pick me up or drive over just to be with me. I know it was probably tiring, showing up at 3am, 4am, when the world should be sleeping. So I'm sorry for being a hassle. For being trouble. (Note to self : next time you get back there to the States, make sure you know how to drive, Jess.)
She settled in and I crashed in again after her. Watched music videos, watched her sleep. She was so close. I still didn't make a move, and she didn't make one, too. I kept asking myself if it was worth risking it. If it was worth risking whatever friendship I'd have established over the past couple of days. I looked at Gir. It wasn't worth it. Fuck the money. Fuck the idea that I'd travelled all this way for love. Fuck my heart and whatever it felt. I wasn't going to graze her arm, stroke her hair as she slept or cuddle her. Not even on my last night. I wouldn't dream of losing her. It was something I would not be able to take. I wasn't about ready to deal with her jumping out of bed and calling me a creeper, or a freak or a loser. Or to watch her grab her things and leave. I couldn't deal with it. I saw it in my head, and I sure knew that I wasn't gonna be able to handle it if it happened for real.
Katy Perry's Teenage Dream came on together with Taio Cruz's Dynamite after. I tried to close my eyes but I couldn't really sleep. Eventually I did, but when I did, I woke up because she was trying to wake me up. Just like that, it was 5am. Changed into my clothes, took one last picture with her sleepy face, packed my stuff and she helped me carry my luggage to her car and even to the airport. Did the ticketing and the walking and there was nothing much left to say.
In the end I had to go, and she had to go, too. So I gave her the goodbye note I'd written in all the time when she wasn't around, and I gave her another hug one last time. She seemed teary eyed, and so was I. But I just couldn't cry, not there, in front of everyone's eyes. She would have never heard it, but I whispered I loved her when I hugged her. And I did, I really did.
And that was it. She walked and made her way, as did I.
2 lovers, 2 people who loved each other, 2 different people from different parts of the world, 2 people who never made a single move because they were scared to lose the other. 2 people gone away, 2 people gone separate ways. 2 people whose hearts longed for each other, 2 people who just would never be together.
I was heartbroken. And as I sat there checking out my facebook and talking to people, she left me a message. She promised she would come to Singapore if I ever wanted her to. I DO! ARE YOU KIDDING?! We could laugh at the asians here, just sayin'.
And she mentioned that she cried walking to her car. So I straight pulled her convo window up and told her not to cry. I could see her tired, puffy face all the way from over the transit lounge. We talked a little more and then I realized my battery was dying on me, so I had to go. I really wanted to talk to her though. I'd have given anything to talk to her again, or hear her laugh, or see her smile.
And that was Alabama. Flight home to Singapore and I almost missed my flight at Houston, Texas. I got lost in Narita, Tokyo. Thank God I managed to find my way around and I made it home. People on the plane were.. people. No one was as friendly as Jeff.
Touchdown back home and at DFS, I walked by Harrod's and there was a familiar smell. It was her. Her smell. The way she smelled when she woke up in the morning. When the wind blew through her hair, when I caught her scent off guard. Whenever she walked by me in Pizza Hut as I sat there and watched her work it. That familiar smell. Like a mix between Vanilla and Marshmallows. So warm, so inviting, so filling.. so soft and sweet.
I ran in and smelled all the bears. I found it. He was the last one there, all creamy white and furry. I had to have him, not because he was adorable like her, but because he smelled just like her. And the very smell made me remember so much that I had to have him. He was like a drug just smiling at me from behind the shelf. I know she gave me Gir and the banana to remind me of her now and always, and they're sleeping next to me, but her scent on them is not as strong as this bear.
I miss her, even though we never had a fuck, much less a kiss. I was lucky if I ever had a day with her, and I had a couple, so I'm lucky, I guess. There was love, I saw it when she laughed during that air hockey match. When she hopped over to talk to me at Pizza Hut. When she was so amused about me and Dr. Pepper. When she was helping me open my box of headphones. Whenever I woke her up in the morning and ruffled her hair, or when we had asian food for lunch. When she sat next to me on the sofa and dragged her blankets with. When she gave me Gir, when she gave me the banana and smiled when I said "Well I'd give you a popsicle.. but I haven't seen a popsicle toy in my life."
People ask, even her. The first day at the motel before going to the Deli's and she asked me "why Alabama? It's not the beach, it's not Vegas, it's not Cali. So why come all this way?"
You want the truth? I came for her. I paid $3,000 for a flight ticket, I forced myself to live at a motel under whatever circumstances for 10 days, and I did it all for her. At the same time I managed to experience life the American way, and I got the chance to live among the southerners. I got to see one redneck, a guy with a shotgun, tons of black people in Alabama (as shocking as it was), I got to live in a ghetto neighborhood and survive it. I had the chance to go to Hot Topic, I managed to see how bad asian food sucks, how american food rocks. I got to watch a movie, in 3D, I got to go shopping, I had my chances of being silly with her in real life as I always was with her online. And I got to sit in a fucking Ford Mustang.
And for those of you on Team Jess bugging me for reason why I never made a move on her was simple. I didn't want to lose her. I loved her so much that I would spend money on her, I would buy her anything and everything within my expenses. Even the musical. I'm not the sort to buy someone of their time and love, but I didn't know any other way to show her that I really did love her. Call me whatever you want. A chicken, a wuss, a pussy (no pun intended) a loser, a whackjob, a hoe, a perv.. but I know I did what I did with reason. And given a rewind, I would probably not make a move until she made it clear that she wanted me, too. Which she never did, heartbreaking as it was.
I hope you wouldn't consider this "bad mouthing" Alabama or you, or both. Because as lonesome as I was some nights, or days, or both, I enjoyed whatever time I could have with you. It was incredible and I had fun. And I hope you did, too. My only wish, or regret, rather, was that we'd both have made a move instead of just waiting for each other like it was a chess game. In the end when we both realized we had actually wanted each other, it was too late. I was already on a flight home, and you were long gone. Nevertheless, like you said, "maybe someday." Funny how words bite us back in the ass, huh?
There's nothing else I can say, but I love you, Shea. I love you. I always have and there will always be a part of me that probably always will. Thanks for everything.
And for you, kind reader, thanks for surviving the long, painful read about my journey across the world just for a shot at love, friendship and independence. The end.
No comments:
Post a Comment