Excuse me while I hang myself..

7th October.

I slept at 5-6am.

10am. BOOMBOOMBOOM. Someone was banging their fist on the door. I woke up and looked around only to realize I was the only joker at home. BOOMBOOMBOOM. Rubbed my eyes. "ANYONE HOME?!" BOOMBOOMBOOM. I went to the peephole. Drunk cousin. BOOMBOOMBOOM. Opened the door and then realized the gate was locked. Searched for the keys, drunk with tiredness as I was. Opened up and he could still joke, "I'm drinking but you look like you're drunk! Hehe"

Entertained his talk and listened to his problems, to his drunk blabber from 10am - 4pm. Nonstop. Tears, yells all included. I was scared he might have actually hit his daughter with the belt he had. Protected her and chased her off to bed once she was done with lunch. I saw the sadness in his eyes when she called him a "monster papa" with childlike innocence in her voice. I felt his pain when she said "I only love papa a little bit. I love mummy more." And then he wanted to leave. I told him to sit down and he walked back to the table. More talk. Then I told him that she doesn't really mean it and that she loves him. I'd know just by studying her body language.

When he finally gave up his blabber and put his hand to his face crying "I don't know what to do Jess. I can't do this anymore." All I could do was just run my fingers across his scalp and tell him to shush because it would all be okay in the end.

Even if it won't be okay, it will be.. at the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end yet.

After he reluctantly left at 4, he tried to pull me to drink with him. Can I please say how hard it is to decline a drunk man to drinks?

When he was finally gone, I had to listen to mom's problems and why she was stressing out, why her blood pressure was skyrocketing.

5pm.

I wore the dress and left the house. Jumped into a cab to meet Joce halfway.

First thing Wayne says is WHOAAAAAAA. His mom goes, "Jess, who are you in love with?" Reached the chalet and the first person to catch me in the dress is Bernard. Nice guy he was, he said JESS YOU'RE WEARING A DRESS!

Yeah. Shocking but true.

Wayne and Joce were hungry. Decided to get something to eat so we got food and sat away from the crowd. The next bunch of clowns that sat at the table were whispering and asking each other if I was pregnant.

Pregnant.

Why? Because of the DRESS?!

Wayne howling mad with laughter was the last straw. I grabbed a beer and walked out.

Smoked, drank, came back and my darling best friend goes.. "JESS! Why don't you go say hi to them? You know them what right! Go talk to them!"

I told her the story and she goes "alamak Jess, don't be so petty lah..."

I couldn't. I love you, bro, and I'm sorry I couldn't entertain your guests as you and I dreamed it would be. But I had too much to handle for the day. And being asked if I'm pregnant because of my dress is making a fucking statement.

Talked to Jammy when I saw her. She's amazing. I admire her and how she's managing with divorce, raising her baby girl all on her own.. and she's only 19. Then Sherlyn's mom saw me and she asked me to eat more.

After being the talk of the table that I already look pregnant? Come the fuck on.

Talked to Austin a little, teased him a lot. I miss that boy. Finally saw Tobias and he gave me a hug after saying I look amazing in the dress.

He kept asking me to stay over, but I couldn't.

Yeah, if you're thinking "Jess why do you have so much pride? Can't you put your pride aside for once?"

My pride is the only thing I have left. My family has trampled all the fuck over it. I let it down TOO much when I was in my previous relationship, and I let it down when I was in AL.

If you want to insult me, you can just fuck off and take your shit with you.

I felt everyone's eyes on me whenever Sherlyn proclaimed "MY BEST FRIEND!"

I'm proud to be her best friend, and I love her with all my heart and soul.. but I didn't need that position that night. Especially in the eyes of other people who have once already evidently proven that they ARE jealous of the friendship between me and Sherlyn.

Nevertheless, I just entertained all of it. Tired as I was.

Came home, cousin at the door got the shock of Moses because he thought I was a pontianak. White dress, long hair, flowers around my neck.

Thanks.

What a wonderful day. I totally had the time of my life.

Not really.

And on the 8th?

Drunk cousin's mother in law came down to pick the youngling up.

While waiting for her to come home, she asked me all sorts of questions. Who am I living with? How am I related? Where do I live? Where is my mother? Where is my father? What am I doing?

I always have this thing in me to be polite.. no matter the circumstance. But trust me, if I could tell her or yell at her to FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE, I would have.

Next thing you know..

hey 8/10/2010 11:55:59 PM jazzamine89@hotmail.com jess okay, you're probably wondering why i'm talking to you. 8/10/2010 11:56:07 PM jazzamine89@hotmail.com jess i miss you jess. 8/10/2010 11:56:24 PM jazzamine89@hotmail.com jess and i want you to know that i've changed...that i've grown up.