The Ripped Soul

"I've only seen you happy once in my entire friendship with you for 9 years, Jess. And that was when you were with her."

We were happy once.

Then we killed each other.. to the point where I didn't even want to see her anymore. Where I didn't even want to hear her voice because it just hurt so much. The things she said just hurt me so much where the damage wasn't even close to repairable.

Do I miss whatever we've had? Do I miss her? Yeah, sometimes I do. I do so much it hurts. It hurts because I want it all back, I want those moments back, I need that feeling again, that feeling where I'm needed and wanted and loved.. when all that mattered was us. I miss it more than you can ever possibly imagine. But I've come so far and I've dealt with this loss, as I have with many of my other losses in life. I'm still dealing with it.

It's like after the storm hits and your house is destroyed and you're fixing up the pieces when the storm just comes again and again.

With that said, when she called me up this morning, I thought I was dreaming when I heard her voice on the phone. "Hey, are you sleeping?" And I can't even remember a word that I said. All I know is I went back to bed and my eyes shot open and I looked at my phone and it was a familiar number on the pickup list.

Cue in headache of the week.

Was I shocked? Yes. I was scrambling my brains trying to recall whatever I'd said, but all I remembered was her voice. I never wanted to feel heartache again like I did that December, but I did, and it was so painful to deal with.

I needed to get out of the house, but I had no where to go. I was tired of being caged up like a bird here. I needed to get free. I couldn't go anywhere. In laws upstairs. Mom upstairs. Cat across the block. Annoying people in the corridors, annoying people to live with.

Yet I couldn't go anywhere. No one wanted to catch a show, no one wanted to go out.. so I was left alone.

Back again and here I am.. tumblr with it's doors open, facebook, my itunes, PSP, cigarettes and an open window. That's all I have. That's my escape.

And now suddenly I feel like running back to AL for another escape. Hang out with Justin and Jarod and Shea. Laugh at the stupid questions Jarod would ask me.. sing and dance to music playing in malls and in the car..

What I would give...