The Ripped Soul

goodbye; there's just no sadder word to say...

And just like that, she's gone.

Life moves on still, but for me things are going to be on the side of blue. Nothing new, I know.. but its just going to be.

Like CH says in his nickname, desperado is fading..

Don't doubt it either. I can feel that CH and I won't be so close anymore. And when that happens, what's left? An answer that goes without saying. And who will I run to now when I'm so sick of being treated like a dog? Debal? Oops, he's in nepal. Maria? Man, she just left to Perth. Steve? Hah.

The mental torture I'll be having whenever I play a match of badminton again. Or go cycling. Or go to ECP late night and sit at the bench facing the beach. Or when I listen to 'we've only just begun..' Or when I fall. Or when I watch 1408. Or if i ever go to the airport again.

You know, Hariee said just now at the airport that he didn't remember me being so chirpy and talkative compared to how I was like in sec 1. I could only smile back at that comment, defeated without a comeback.

But the fact is, with my deprivation of sleep the night before, I was too tired to talk. To think of talking. To laugh even. I didn't want to say anything if I could. But if I kept quiet like how CH did at the airport, my tears would have overpowered me and my will to keep them where they belong; back behind my eyes. God knows how many times I wanted to cry thinking how life will never be the same again without her here when she'd go past the gates. God knows, I swear it. I was silently whispering to myself like a madman not to cry, to be strong cos she needs to go in the gates strong like how she is, backpack and all.

Every single time I thought I was going to break that moment, I'd dismiss the feelings and the thought of it and start laughing at anything stupid or just start yapping comments away at whatever that's being said.

Like how I did with Rajev's lame morning jokes about korean drama. Or Nazri laughing at CH being a clown holding a glass jar full of love notes. Or like when Hariee was poking fun at Joce being so short even after 6 years. Or when he said that Malar looked like a fake doll. Or listen to Nazurah talking or laughing at something that just happened. Or copy that stupid advertisment "i can see the future..." and have Naz and my monkey laugh at me.

I just had to have my mind elsewhere. Had to. Else I'd have broken down and it would have gone off like a chain reaction. Malar would have cried and maybe the guys would have teared as well. Or maybe Rajev would be the only asshole still trying to crack up jokes about emotional moments in korean dramas.

And when that woman finally went in, I was on the edge of tears. And Naz knew and she grabbed me by the shoulders and told me not to cry. And Malar turned and told me not to as well or she'll start and there'll be no end to it.

And that was it. One final goodbye, one hug and she was gone.

And when we went back home in the train, I wanted to sit with Naz in the train till she alighted. Afterall, how often do we see each other? Hardly. The last time I did was at that outing with her and Ria. And that was like, centuries ago. Now with Ria out of the picture, when will I ever get to see her again? Maybe never. Or at least, not for a while or anytime soon. 4 years, perhaps? Still, with chances like that at the back of my head, I just left at Aljunied instead of city hall or town or amk or tp or woodlands.

Maybe because I was too tired. Maybe because I was being selfish for once. Maybe because of Rajev and Naz yapping away about my studies next year. About courses. About this, about that. Maybe because of other reasons. Maybe because he'll be there and I really don't want to go through anything with him yet.

Then I came home. And read her postcard. And it wasn't the front cover that had me crying like a kid that just dropped her ice cream. The parts that tore me up?

My God sent buddy. Greatest friend of all. I'll miss this special friend of mine; YOU when I'm all alone in spring perth. keep playing badminton with CH & Joce when I'm in perth ok? thanks for always going the extra mile to cheer me on through my toughest times. though miles away, oceans apart, i wanna say that our friendship will always stay strong for life cos i treasure you! take care and talk soon. miss you. :)

Babe, you'll never be alone in spring perth. Remember that we'll always be there with you and wherever you go in spirit. And besides, you have Nirmal over there. If ever you need a shoulder, a ear, or some source of comfort, I'm gonna say sorry first for not being able to go over by means of a jet plane or to take a cab over to your house in Aust; but I'll always be here for you by the computer on MSN or skype. Or if its something really serious, I'm just a phone call away. Take care always and all the best over down under aye? See you around, if not in December. You take care, hear! And don't ever be a stranger.

I'm gonna miss you LOADS babe! No kidding. Haha. Be good.

xoxo, Jess.