The Ripped Soul

Nearly attempted suicide last night.

The bag of pills were in my hand. I was really close.

Something told me to call Sherlyn. Jocelyn. Anyone. Call someone, somebody, anyone, anybody. Because I didn't have to do this. I just needed a distraction. I needed a friend. I needed a vent. I needed a source of strength to get through the night.

So I called.

She answered, sleepy head she was. I love you Sherlyn.

And I told her. I vented. Vented till I broke down. Broke down crying. Shaking. Screaming.

I was screaming my lungs out at 130am. Literally. Not screaming at sherlyn to stfugtfo, but literal screaming.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

And I felt like a part of me just died inside when I screamed.

And cry, cry, cry. Rock back and forth like a mad person. Driven to madness with sadness and misery, drowning in a pool of depression.

Then the asthma started. I couldn't breathe.

I didn't even have to attempt suicide, I felt like I nearly died on my own bed not being able to breathe.

But lucky me, having her on the phone. "breathe jess.. calm down.. just breathe.."

So sick with anger. Trouble breathing. I nearly vomited on my bed.

She listened to me cry, heard the questions, gave whatever answers she could. I could also tell she was sick of it.

She needed to sleep, my heart was still in so much pain. So I told her to catch some, and hung up.

Called Jocelyn next.

And I cried more. Screamed again.

We talked, she gave some distractions. Talked about different topics. Random things.

She said she needed to sleep. Told me I could call her anytime today. Don't do anything harsh.

Tried to sleep, I couldn't. Tossed and turned. Read the journal again. Wanted to write but the words just wouldn't come.

4am, knocked out listening to Never Again by Kelly Clarkson.

Woke up this morning, my mom wanted to know why I was screaming and crying last night.

Told her and broke down, again.

Celestina was on msn, she saw my personal message and started again.

And I couldn't take it anymore, therefore msn personal message telling everyone to just go away and leave me alone.

I just want someone to hold me right now and to never let me go.

Is it wrong to ask for mercy? Respect?

What have I done to deserve such cruelty?

When you break up with someone, it's over and done.
When they ask back for you and you reject them, you don't give them any sort of hope that you might want to get back with them someday. You don't tell them you still think of them, they're not forgotten, you miss them.

Especially when the brutal fact behind it all is that you don't even fucking want them back.

You don't say those kind of things.

It's cruel. And it's not right.