The Ripped Soul

I'm probably gonna regret this when I wake up. But right now I'm just going in circles. My heart hurts. My head's a mess. I've finished my pack of cigarettes, the wind outside is HOWLING. I'm cold, the house is quiet, and while those two clowns are home and talking, its just sounds I'm hearing. The TV is playing some dumb song on mtv. But yet, I feel like I'm here in my own world, alone, a mess and .. fuck, I just feel miserable, to put it simply.

I miss having someone around, always there.. even to listen to you ramble at 130am. I miss snuggling next to someone warm in bed when the weather is cold like this. I miss being loved, i miss being happy. Now it just feels like my world is empty, and my best friends are silence, darkness and misery. You were the light in my world. Then you faded, and as much as I went running after you, you were gone. And I was left here in darkness.

Past few nights have been hard. I feel like running away from home, running away from here. Just going on holiday. Take a break from reality. Take a break from the stresses of life. Take a break from heartache, take a break from loneliness. Take a break from living with the ghosts that were once so fucking real.

I want this wound to heal, but it just fucking won't. I've always seen you walk away in my dreams, and as much as it tore me up inside, I tried to deny it. But the fact now is you've left. You're gone. That's the truth that remains, as much as you deny it. It's heartbreaking, it crushes me every single time I remember that day. The pain gets so real inside me, that when I try and take it out physically, I'm left with bleeding knuckles.. but the pain is still there.

Is it wrong to want to be fixed? How do you mend a broken heart? Time? How much time do I need? It's been 8 months. Coming 9, now. How long more? How long more must I keep masking up with the world pretending I'm fine when I'm not? Smiling and laughing when inside I feel like screaming and crying?

Unnecessary worry rings in my head that maybe I'll never heal. I'll never love again. That my heart will shut the whole world out and I'll always be alone.

And I don't want to be alone.