The Ripped Soul

Second last day at the Vikings with the Dolphins. I'm gonna fucking miss em crazy, no doubt about it.

Last night, went clubbing with Lyn, Kiji and Alvin after work. VIP to butter factory, no shit. HAHAH. It was SOOOOOO sooooo SO fuckin cool. Before we entered, drank 2 jugs of tiger. I was nearly halfway to hell then. Freaking shouting for a cab and everything when we were going down Butter Fact. Chilled and smoked outside Butter a little, and a couple of guys from Belgium got out to talk to us. They were high, red faced and everything.. talking about Stella Artois beers and comparing their homeland to Singapore.

Hmm. Wonder what it'd be like to see the rest of the world..

Went in butter after, and got a shot of tequila with Alvin. Fucking went high after that. HAHAHA. Not forgetting the countless sticks of cigarettes I had.

Inside it was dance, dance, dance. Dancing on our feet till 430am, imagine that. But I had fun. I was so heartbroken inside.. songs reminded me of the past. Reminded me of what I had, reminded me of Jacob, reminded me of everything bittersweet. So I took it out on the crowd. No, I didn't punch anyone.. Hahaha. Was screaming at the top of my lungs the lyrics, dancing to the lyrics with Lyn...

Like Closer, for example.

"I can feel her on my skin.."
me: *grazes arm while shuffling*
lyn: *pushes me off, disgusted*

"...I can taste her on my tongue"
me: *licks lips*
lyn: *vomit face*

"she's the sweetest taste of sin..."
me: *blows a kiss*
lyn: *hand to my face*

....Talk about being rejected. HAHAHA. But the chorus bit came on and SHE FREAKING GRABBED MY SHIRT by my collar and told me to come closer. Turn on or whaaaaat. Hahaha.

But I wasn't, if you were wondering. Because of a simple memory with the same act. Won't go in deets, eh?

Home after butter.. and couldn't help but miss what I had on my birthday night.

No, I don't miss being a fucking nuisance with my puke all over the place... but I miss dancing that night with Diz, Anna, Isha, Victor... I miss laughing. I was laughing so hard that night I think.

Last night I was just screaming my lungs out over the blaring music. Screaming whatever anger/anguish that was residing within.

Doesn't mean it's all gone, it's still there.. just not so much.

"Somebody call 911, shawty fire burning on the dancefloor, ohhhh! *DJ mix* The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire *quiet* Crowd : WE DONT NEED NO WATER LET THAT MOTHERFUCKER BURRRRN! BURN MOTHERFUCKER, BURRRRRN! *dj spins*"

Butter Factory. Cool. Seriously.

And the bouncer was nice... I was high, needed re-entry to the club, and so I was rolling my sleeves up so he could scan my arm for the VIP pass. He copied my act, high as I was then gently shoved me inside with one arm on my shoulder. Hahaha.

Work today and I just felt hungover.

My muscles refused to co-operate with me.. I was aching like a fucker, and my head was screaming for mercy.

My heart? Heh. Don't even go there, eh?

Sam was talking to me about her problems with D.. and I felt it all again.

I kinda knew what she was going through, because I went through that. The sleeping next to each other, not WITH each other.. the ignoring of anything going on, the pretending, the hurt, the knowing you have to let go but you don't want to let go.. because you love the person too much.

Killed me just talking to her.. trying to help her.

Today at work, D was asking me to stay, to think about it, take a 2 week break, and come back.

Don't get me wrong, I love Diz. She's the best damn manager I could've EVER asked for.

She taught me everything crucial and gave me time to grow, gave me space to show what I'm capable of, yet at the same time, always there to catch me if I ever fell or made a mistake. She helped bring out the best in me.. something my previous place failed to do. The only one that did back there was Jas and Mas.

That's why I loved working with them at S'goon.. and I know I've been given the chance to work here with her at Vikings with the rest of the Dolphins.

But I already tendered.

For reasons FAR beyond than because "I didn't get to go to an outlet of my choice."

If I DO choose to stay, then it proves them right, don't you think?

That I just wanted to tender because I didn't get the chance I wanted; to work with Sha and Diz again?

Which is untrue.

It's a nice thought, a blessing.. to get to work with the people I've missed so much before I leave. But will that make me stay?

No.

I've seen how corrupt they can be, I've worked with people I had to call my MANAGER .. and seen the mistakes they can make, yet get away with it. I've had the politics, I've had the gossips and rumors, and I'm fucking tired of all of it.

If I can't even be friends with someone else from a different department, then shit, why should I stay in the company right?

Wanna go for a concert and they can say things like "she's resigning, why give her the chance?"

They could be hostile to me even, in my place of work.. so why stay?

I have a reason to stay : for Diz, for Sha.. for me, for experience, even.

But I have so much more to leave.

So my mind's made up. I'm leaving.

Like Rodi said.. if I'm good, I could be good anywhere. I could prove my abilities somewhere else. I don't have to prove it here.

So I'm gonna do just that.

Am I gonna miss them? Like fucking crazy. Am I gonna miss the job? Maybe. Am I gonna miss working with the fantastic team of Dolphins? FUCK, yes. Am I gonna miss silly phone calls from Banana asking to refax chef reports or to check the POS system? Yeah, I'm really gonna miss that.

I still remember when I was at S'goon and she called to check on the deliveries we made, and I had SO much other stuff to do and run, yet all I wanted to do was stay on the line with her.

Am I gonna miss it all? I probably will.

I'm leaving, nevertheless.

Doesn't mean I can't come back and visit, doesn't mean we can't hang out on off days or weekends, doesn't mean I won't come back and say hi.

We could still meet for drinks, still meet for late night movies, and for the guys back at S'goon - Rick, Andy and crew.. if they feel like playing a game or two, they know where I'm working on Tuesday onwards.

So this can work, right?

I hope so.

All I know is this, my heart hurt enough tonight while going back with Diz.

I know it's going to be fucking heartbreaking tomorrow.

But I'm gonna mask up, pretend to the whole world I'm goddamn fine..

Even when I'm not.