The Ripped Soul

"what you want, what you want, what you want, you always get. what about me? what do i get?"

The house is so tense now.

I feel like yelling, I feel so angry, so frustrated. But I don't, and the rage eats at me. It consumes me, boils straight up to my head.. and that's how the migranes start.

Everything in the house all boils down to money. Money, money, money.

No money for this, I already paid using all those money, I don't know when you're going to get the money...

And I haven't the right to ask for my money either, so I know better.. and I just shut up.

December is coming and I just feel so hopeless. Tears just freely run, nothing to stop them whatsoever. And my spirit runs, searching for a pillar, but there's none. And my heart hardens with hate as a cement, with rage as the foundation.

I know I'm never gonna get that thousand dollars to fly over.
I know I won't see Shea or Rinnie for Christmas and GOD it fucking wrecks my heart.
I know this christmas will be a blue one. Just like last year's. And the year before that.

Mom says keep believing, keep trusting, if I don't believe, if I don't have faith it will never happen..

But then why have so much hope only to be heartbroken?

I've learnt my lesson thanks to Jas. I'm not gonna hope for anything to happen anymore.

I'm tired of faith. I'm sick and fucking tired of believing. Of trusting that people can make your dreams come true.. only to find out they'll run away themselves. Or keep promising, but never FULFILLING it.

So many of my dreams are already broken.. so many promises and words left unspoken.

And this is just another one to add to the whole fucking list.. right? Right.

And paying back the company? Hah. I should have never loaned the fucking money. I saw the amount when she said she needed that much but had no one to run to. I had a choice. And I just drew and told her to pay it off.

Now I'm being told that I'm not gonna get the money back. Not now, anyway. Worse, I'm getting told off for wanting so much, when she has nothing.

I ..never thought I ever asked for much, you know?

God how I wish I could just sit out, have a beer and hear and see the waves crash.

I'm so tired of my reality..